Friday, March 26, 2010

3. Unexpected Miracles
    Christian Historical Romance

The grey, gloomy sky perfectly mirrored Travis' spirits as he stepped, sore and travel-weary, from the stagecoach. A mist of spring rain swirled around him, mixing with the dust on his tailored traveling suit. He frowned at the mud now clinging to his beige cuffs and stepped gingerly over a rivulet of rain water that trickled down the dirt street. He noted with distaste that he could see most of the town from where he stood.


  1. Like the mood you've created here. The dirt, his frown, stepping gingerly, the tailored suit. Nicely done. I've read it's one of the rules - don't start with description, but for me, it works!

  2. I agree, you do get a really strong sense of place here - and I am assuming that's important since this looks like a fish out of water scenario - but I am not sure I know enough about Travis or the reasons he's in this new place to care. I hope those things are introduced in the next couple of paragraphs.

  3. It was a bit too much description for me right at the start, but it's definitely very well done. I think I'd just like to know more of the conflict to get me hooked.

  4. Hi

    Lovely description of Travis stepping off the stagecoach. Maybe this is best for the middle of the story though. I think your last sentence is your strongest and my interest was piqued mostly at that point.

    Good luck!

  5. I like this a lot! A couple suggestions, which you can of course choose to ignore if they don't feel right: Just be careful about over-describing things. You have a lot of adjectives in the first sentence. I'd cut down on them by half.

    Also, do rivulets of water "trickle?" This is so nit-picky of me it's ridiculous, but rivulets seem to flow more than trickles. For some reason this description jarred me, but maybe it wouldn't if I had a whole page in front of me instead of just four sentences.

    Mud on his cuffs: Is this mud on the cuffs of his sleeves? How did he get mud there? Or is it mud on his pant cuffs? You might want to clarify this.

    I love the last line. Great way of showing us who this guy is!

    I hope this is helpful and good luck! :)