Hurry, Hurry...Two Manuscript Critiques...

Once a month Marcia Hoehne gives away TWO manuscripts critiques. She'll  critique the first 1000 words of a children's magazine story, chapter book, mid-grade novel, or YA novel.  (Fiction only, no picture books, easy readers, or  poetry.)  I was lucky enough to win one of these critiques last month!  Marcia has authored numerous books and is a writing instructor....You have a until Sunday, October 31st to hop over to her blog and throw your name in the ring...

I submitted the first three chapters of a chapter book manuscript called BEG, BORROW, AND EARN. 

^{Pitch: David likes to buy stuff, even when he can’t afford it; the trouble is he’s reached the point where he can’t borrow anymore money from his family or friends.}

<sup>A Snippet:
“Can I get new sneakers?” David asked.
“You can wear the ones you have until the end of the summer. We’ll get you a new pair, right before school starts,” Mom said.
“Cool!” David’s voice went squeaky. “I know what kind I want. I want a pair of black and white Ninja Heelys.”
Mom was reading the label on a box of Cap’n Crunch . She looked over the top of her glasses . “I can’t see the point in spending sixty dollars on a pair of sneakers that turn into roller skates when you already have roller blades.”
“But, Mom, they’re wicked cool! I have to have them or everyone’ll think I’m a loser.”

Things I learned:
1. She liked my dialogue and said she would read on.  (smile)</sup>  

^{2. Had a sense of talking heads at the beginning...I should insert more setting right away, so you know the setting....(It takes 4 sentences to figure out where the characters are.)}

^{3. Liked my language level. (smile)}

^{4. Keep my math/human ratios simple or they will confuse the readers...(Grandma and Pappa give David $8 for his birthday and Uncle Ken gives him $8.  The way I worded it was confusing to the reader...)}

^{5. Don't use too many brand names... (I'm not sure about this one...David is really into that kind of stuff...it's part of him...I'll have to investigate this issue.)}

^{6. My second chapter doesn't have anything really funny or a big action in it.  Marcia thought I should add something humorous to it.} 

^{Marcia gave me some great pointers.  I hope that you hop over and meet her, she is one smart lady!}

^{Have you submitted anything lately?}

HOW'S YOUR VOICE?

Establishing your character’s voice and carrying it through your entire manuscript can be tricky… How old is your main character? Where does he/she live? What is his/her socio-economic background? Does your character use complete sentences? What about correct grammar? Does he/she have a favorite word or phrase? Yesterday, I posted about my new favorite phrase: DON’T BE A SOUR CRACKER. Would your MC say that? I’m posting a short chapter from a beginning chapter book I’m working on…


Based on this chapter, what can you tell about David (the main character)? If you have a suggestion for a better name for my mc, I’m open to suggestions…

Chapter 3

Going in Debt

On the first day of summer vacation David asked, “Mom, can I borrow two dollars? I wanna go swimming with Tyler and I need snack money.”

“What happened to your allowance?” Mom asked.

“I took it to school yesterday. It must’ve fallen out of my pocket, cause when I got home it wasn’t there,” David said. “I promise I’ll do two dollars worth of chores when I get back from the pool.”

“Well, I guess it is the first day of summer vacation. I’ll expect you to do some chores when you get home, okay?”

“Sure, Mom, I promise I will.” David put his right hand over his heart.

David got his pool pass, a towel and two dollars and then left to meet Tyler.

The sun was bright, the sky was blue and the temperature was just perfect for swimming. David and Tyler swam and hung out at the pool all afternoon. David had a hot dog, chips and an orange soda for lunch. It was exactly two dollars. Tyler brought his lunch from home.

At 3:00 Tyler said, “I’m going to get a snack, what about you David?”

“I don’t have any money left.” David shrugged his shoulders, pulled out his empty pockets and looked at the ground.

“I’ll lend you some. I have three dollars.”

“That’s why you are my BFF. I’ll pay you back as soon as I do chores for Mom and get paid.”

Tyler got a fifty cent Kit Kat bar. David got nachos for a dollar fifty.

Tyler and David stayed at the pool until the life guards made them leave at closing time.

On the way home David said, “Let’s go swimming tomorrow, Tyler.”

“I can’t,” said Tyler. “I don’t have enough money left.”

David smiled and patted Tyler on the back., “Don’t worry, I’ll be able to pay back at least part of the money tomorrow.”

“Well, maybe I can go.”