Friday, March 26, 2010

4. A Sprinkling of Promises
    Women's Fiction

Lizzy Batron’s sandal-clad foot played with the accelerator like a teenager with a new license. Faster. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and stomped the pedal. Lizzy catapulted past the scene of her three-year old crime as though Satan himself chased her.


  1. I liked your first three sentences (the first is really strong), but your fourth left me a bit confused. I assume you are using the driving image as a metaphor for speeding through her memories? You could probably make that a bit clearer.

  2. I like the last line, especially the imagery of Satan himself chasing her. I see her driving a car past a certain location where she committed a crime three years ago and she's eager to get past it. I'm curious to know what the crime was - I'd keep reading.

  3. Hi

    I like the action and the pace conveyed here. I would start with the last sentence because for me it's your strongest and captured my attention most.

    Good luck!


  4. I'm definitely curious about her three-year-old crime, but because I don't know Lizzy from anyone yet, the first line doesn't really work for me. For all I know, Lizzy might be a teenager with a new license, so I'd probably try to find another comparison for that initial sentence if I were you. I also think it might flow better if you combined the last two sentences: "stomped on the pedal, catapulting past the scene...."

    Just a thought! Good job and good luck. :)

  5. I'm curious about Lizzie having committed a crime three years ago. The only think that bothered me was the term sandal-clad foot. Is there some way you could change that to a more modern term?

  6. I like this. I hesitated about a split-second at "sandal-clad foot," but other than that I'd definitely read on, especially to find out exactly what crime was committed 3 years ago! :)