Title: Edmund the Clumsy Knight
Genre: MG fantasy
Edmund’s first mistake was when he tripped over the dog and dropped the bowl of hot stew into the knight’s lap.
It was a busy day in his parents’ inn, and the idea of serving a knight had sent his clumsy feet in all directions.
He dreamed of becoming a great knight doing great deeds. His father had grumbled at the idea and his mother hid behind her aprons, but his mind was set on it.
But now, he had spilled steaming stew in the lap of the first royal knight he’d ever seen so close.
Conflict and character right away. Perfect. :o) Well done!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! I'm feeling for this poor guy already :)
ReplyDeleteAww, I already like Edmund. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteCute. I liked this a lot.
ReplyDeleteThis seems younger than some of the MG I've read, but I like it. This had a good voice and it's cute.
ReplyDeleteI felt it could be tightened up a tad. Some rewording/restructuring could go a long way here.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, I loved the voice; I connected to the character right away.
Awww, poor kiddo! I felt an immediate connection to Edmund. I'm worried about what comes next with his encounter with this royal knight...
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion comes on the last line...I wouls say "up close" rather than "so close."
Nice job!!!
Love the concept! I can imagine all the craziness he stumbles into. :)
ReplyDeleteLoved the title.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is wonderful, but I found it a bit repetitive. Maybe have him do something else clumsy instead of spilling stew again.
Otherwise it's a cute beginning.
I'm not sure the target age, but by the title I'm guessing toward the 8yo end of MG. I love the idea and the scene, I just wish I could be more in Edmund's skin to experience it first hand. It would be an even more fun way to start!
ReplyDeleteI feel for Edmund already! Poor fella. I think the voice is great! My kids (8 & 10) would love this. Nice job.
ReplyDelete