Title: THE FREAK EMPORIUM
Genre: YA PARANORMAL
I heard Mom’s voice in my head. I’ll always be with you, Jilly. But that was impossible. I stiffened in the mourner’s chair. Chills rippled across my skin. Pain knifed through my brain. My heart beat so fast it threatened to explode. At first, I thought grief played some trick on me. Of course, I wanted Mom to be alive. But that distinctly was her voice. This was beyond strange.
“What are you staring at?” asked my best friend, Rella, seated beside me.
Mom’s photo in the gilded frame was bigger than the mahogany box that held her ashes.
I like the concept here - I'm hoping her mom is somehow hanging around. :)
ReplyDeleteThis line reads a little awkwardly: But that distinctly was her voice.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I think this is a pretty nice start. Tension right away.
Love the voice and your verb choices. However, the action is skipping around a bit. Draw out the mother in her head first and then her external interaction with her friend. Great work!
ReplyDeleteI love where you're going here and the tension is great. The 3rd-6th sentences were a little choppy sounding. I love the images, but maybe there is a way to smooth it out a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the concept, but, for me, it was hard to follow what was happening in that first paragraph. All of the lines are so choppy. Some of them actually seem like they should be combined and naturally would be combined if someone was actually saying or thinking this ... but you have them broke apart.
ReplyDeleteI liked this but it would have more impact if you showed only way her body reacted to her mom's voice. It's too melodramtic with all three and it loses the impact you're after. Check out the following blog post.
ReplyDeletehttp://childrenspublishing.blogspot.com/2011/03/avoiding-melodrama-by-writing-deeper.html
Otherwise, I was intrigued and would have kept reading.
Good luck!
I agree with Stina... and I'll add, your work shows great promise, I'm very interested in what’s about to happen.
ReplyDeleteWe as writers, never stop growing, hopefully the feedback here will help you push to the next level.
Remember, writing is subjective, take the advice that feels right to you, and do better… ignore the rest.
Good luck.
Wow! As someone who suddenly lost a good friend just over 4 years ago, I could feel her grief and what her body was feeling. The only sentence I think needed help was "At first, I thought grief played some trick on me." I think you can make it more riveting more emotional like the rest of your intro. I really liked it and I would read on...for sure!
ReplyDeleteThat last line is awesome - it would make a great first line. Setting, perspective, all in one sentence. Then maybe bring in the grief, and then, after we've set the scene, the voice in the head. Then it would be extra creepy and you wouldn't have to tell us it was beyond strange - we would feel it creeping up our arms! :)
ReplyDelete