Title: SEEING
Genre: YA Paranormal
I didn’t know who she was, or what the fuck she was doing in my room, but she was naked. The shirt I was holding slipped from my hand and I stopped short.
She was in front of the window with her head cocked to the side, looking right at me, like she had been waiting for me. White-blonde hair, parted in the middle, fell to her waist. Her left breast was covered, but the other one, I could see. My eyes drifted lower. She was shaved. No hair. None.
“Who”—I took a breath and began again—“who are you?”
Great first line :) Definitely going to grab some YA attention with that one!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if "& I stopped short" could be eliminated - move it along a little more smoothly??? Maybe? Nicely done!
Definitely an attention-grabbing opening. I'm curious about who she is too lol.
ReplyDeleteUh, yeah, totally want to read on.
ReplyDeleteNice job.
Don't like seeing the f word in the first sentence. I'm not a prude but I also don't think it necessary.
ReplyDeleteGreat job otherwise.
I don't mind the swearing. This is definitely YA and can see a young adult boy saying the f word at the sight of a naked girl in his room.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Loved it all... great voice, great rhythm, great everything—at least from my point of view.
ReplyDeleteI would love to read more.
Great male ya voice! My only suggestion would be her head was tilted to one side. I don't think many teens use the word cocked in conversation or their thoughts. I'm still blushing (PB writer) but I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteWell, you definitely caught my attention. I thought it was all great until the shaved part. A little TMI for me. I love the f word and the naked and all, but for some reason the no hair part freaked me out a little. And I don't think it would have bothered me further into it, but it was a little too much for the first page for my taste.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree the shaved part was TMI. But I guess this would be something a guy would notice when it's right in front of his face. I am curious to know why she's there and why she's naked, so I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAmy
I don't know who she is either, or what the... but I want to know!
ReplyDeleteI'll add one more female voice and say the shaved bit was TMI for me, or at least it was this early. For me, it doesn't do as good a job of emphasizing 'zomg, naked girl, what the?!' as the focus on her breasts.
Well, that certainly gets your attention! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the TMI on the shaving, but I'm assuming we're a boy protag here, and well, he would notice (he is looking after all). I would maybe be more demure about it in the first paragraph or page, though.
I disagree about dropping an f-bomb in the first sentence being a negative. I think it's authentic to the voice, and it works. This is a definite attention grabbing paragraph here! wow. Nicely done, sounds very interesting!
ReplyDelete