Friday, March 26, 2010

    middle grade adventure/fiction

"I'm not taking you to another dog yard," my mom says. She thumps down her briefcase on the kitchen counter and grabs her cheese and cucumber sandwich from the fridge. Her blonde hair, highlighted to hide the grey, falls over her eyes as she stuffs a Ziploc with baby carrots. Then she stops and her tone softens with a sigh, "We can barely afford the dogs we have, Vicky."


  1. first paragraph should be about the mc, not her mom.

  2. I agree with Terry about starting with the mc, but I do think what you have here is very strong. I get a good picture of the mother and the dynamic at play. But who is Vicky? That's where you should start.

  3. I like the description, but agree this information about Mom should come later. I'd like to know more about Vicky up front. I like that we know the problem starting with the very first line.

  4. Hi

    Poor dog and poor Vicky. I like mum's description and her emotional state - the last sentence makes her more vulnerable. I'd only say that perhaps to make it clear that mum is addressing a dog as in ".. my mom says to the dog.".

    Good luck!


  5. I love your description of the mom. Little nit-pick, try replacing "my mom" with just the title "Mom." You can do that with first-person and it cuts down on your number of words. :)

  6. I love that you made a comment on your own post! It is different when you see it in a different format.

    I think is should have "said Mom," in the first sentence. That being said, I'm intrigued...I wonder what has caused them to have financial issues and if that will be discussed more in the book.