Thursday, April 12, 2012

Entry 6

Title: Not A Holiday
Genre: MG Historical Fiction
WHRRRRR, whrrr, WHRRR, whrrr
            “Hurry, hurry!” Mummy shouted. “Joyce, Gina!  Get out of bed now!  Get to the shelter!”
            Our shelter was in back of our council house.  Daddy dug a deep trench in the back garden where we used to grow potatoes and covered it with a big piece of wavy aluminium.  The walls and floor were cold and damp and I hated going in it.
            “I don’t want to, Daddy,” Gina whined.  “It’s full of creepy crawlies.”
            “It’ll be fine,” Daddy’s face was drawn in tight.  We could hear the bombs whistling through the air and the thunderous explosions as they landed.
            “Down there, now!” roared Daddy. 


  1. Great start! I can almost feel Gina's fear of going in that dark hole and how tense Daddy is.

  2. This is a great place to start this book. I almost wonder, though, if you could work on the pacing a bit. Since this is such a tense moment, I think there wouldn't be as much talking, more shoving and hurrying, more fear at the sound of the bombs (from the mc). For instance, I wouldn't have Daddy say, "It'll be fine." I'd just have him yelling, "Down there, now!" The reader will know he's not being mean, he's just concerned for his family's safety.

    But overall, great start. I'd definitely read on.

  3. I was really pulled into the fear. Great start. I agree with Amy, I'd have the dad say something different, even like "You don't have a choice" or "We have to." Something like that, but I'm sure you can come up with something better.

  4. Hey! I am late commenting so I want you to know that I did not read the other comments.

    Nice start to the story. I love the feel I get as I read and realize how afraid Daddy must be.

    This is MG right? Would they call him Daddy? You use the word get twice really close together.

    I don't like the “It’ll be fine,” line though. It seems he is saying it'll be fine down there with all the creepy crawlies. And Gina knows different.(Not sure a MGer would use the words creepy crawlies.) It sounds like something a seven year-old would say. And they are really having a lot of conversation here. Shouldn't they be scared out of their wits and moving quickly to get in the shelter?

  5. Great start. I'd definitely want to keep reading. Instead of creepy crawlies, I think the word bugs might work better for a MG story.