Genre: Contemporary YA
I should have known Daniel would try this again. I should have known from the way the chords of his guitar smeared the dark spaces above me as I lay alone in bed at night.
Standing here staring at the note he wrote, my hands shaking so hard I can hardly read it, all I can think is Oh God, how did I miss this? Dear God, what do I do now?
I haven’t prayed in years. Not even a whisper.
Then Jayden squalls from upstairs and everything flashes back at me in quick time. I have responsibilities and here I am sitting on a closed toilet seat, my face hot, my hands cold, trembling so hard I’m not sure I can stand.
I'm curious about the note and who Jayden is...
ReplyDeleteI think you could get rid of the first paragraph and begin with "Standing here starting at the note Daniel wrote with my hands shaking...."
Thanks for joining in. :)
Very intriguing! I think you have a great start here. My only comment would be that at one point you say "Standing here..." and later you say "here I am sitting..."
ReplyDeleteSounds intriguing. You've got me curious :) I'm a little confused with the 'as I lay', then 'standing here' then 'I am sitting'. I can't tell if they're 3 different situations or she's thinking of one or 2 of them.
ReplyDeleteFirst time I have been over here, thanks for introducing me to it.
ReplyDeleteI must say you are brave to enter your work, maybe I will get brave enough someday. I did post a Lucky 7's on my site this past Monday, that was huge for me.
Now for the critic:
I like the mystery, I like the dilemma you are creating. I did notice the discrepancy between the sitting, standing bit as well, but that's an easy fix.
I'm not great with grammar, so I can't offer a bit of advice there.
I like the story idea. I'm curious and would read more. I agree the laying, sitting, standing was a bit confusing and easy to fix. Also, you might put in quotes the "prayer". Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteGreat job though!
I am commenting late and for that reason I did not read any of the other comments. I wanted mine to mine. If you get the picture.
ReplyDeleteOkay. I wonder if you started this story in the right place. You introduce Daniel in a strange sort of way. I think that the first two sentences don't make a whole lot of sense until after reading the entire paragraph. I figure Daniel has hurt her in a big way. But why start there? You could move those sentences somewhere else or lose them completely. I don't think you need them.
Also, this needs to be fixed: Standing here staring and this: sitting on a closed toilet seat. You can't have the character doing both. You see? And she said she's not sure she could stand, so she is more than likely sitting instead of standing. It sure won't take too much to fix these things. I am fascinated by what is going on. :-)
I am intrigued by this story and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteMy concern is about the laying down, standing and sitting. I think that does cause a bit of confusion but, as other said, it is easily fixable.
Susanne
PUTTING WORDS DOWN ON PAPER
Such a strong emotional pull! I'm confused, but in a good way--that intrigue really draws me in.
ReplyDelete