Thursday, April 12, 2012

Entry 3

Genre: MG adventure

      Anna threw open the barn door and smiled at Fancy. Two scents―sweet hay and horse surrounded her. The chocolate bay mare stamped her foot and stuck her head over the stall opening. Her mane trembled with excitement and Anna’s hands began to tingle.     
      “Fancy, you know I love how you smell, but you won’t win today!”
      Anna jabbed her boots into the dirt, determined to win. Fancy swished her long tail. The horse’s stare pierced through her black forelock that hung down to her eyelashes.
                  The sound of boots scuffing the ground broke Anna’s gaze. She blinked then whirled around.


  1. I can't decide if they are going to be in a race or if she wants to give her a bath. I am curious about what made Anna whirl around.

    First 2 sentences... I would change it a tiny bit. Two scents smacked her in the face as Anna threw open the barn door...sweet fresh hay and (sweaty?) horse. Fancy, a chocolate bay mare, stamped her....

    Thanks for joining in. :)

  2. This is off to a great start. I'm curious to know what Anna is determined to win. I like the description of the smells and Fancy's trembling mane and black forelock hanging down to her eyelashes. Nice details!

  3. I really like the sensory detail in this first part, but I'd be more specific about what kind of horse smell this is. Sweet hay and horse *what*?

    And the reference to "winning" confused me. I could tell this was a contest of wills, but that wasn't clear until the end of the excerpt. The fact that there's a horse and a rider here and they're talking about winning made me think this was before a horse show. But then when Anna said Fancy wouldn't win, I was confused. And then when Anna was determined to win, I was even more confused because Fancy seems to be her horse. Yep, if this contest is over a bath or something, make that clear up front. :)

    Best of luck!

  4. Nice MG voice! The girls in my class are always interested in horse stories! :)

    I don't see the connection between the 2 parts of this sentence... I love how you smell, but you won’t win today

  5. I think you are off to a great start.

    Perhaps adding the horse scent that Anna smells (at the beginning) needs to be added, since she mentions liking how Fancy smells, when talking to the horse.

    I definitely want to read more to find out why Anna is saying that Fancy will not win. I also want to know who came in that made Anna whirl around.