Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 4

Title: SEAGULL RISING
Genre: YA Contemporary

Give me a well-sharpened knife. I can devein a shrimp in less than five minutes, and fly through a stalk of jiucai, piling it in a mound of green shards, as if it’s gone through a food processor. But when I drop the knife and face my life, I wish I were as good with a needle: as good at repairing as I am at cutting apart.

Ayi and I stand elbow-to-elbow at the kitchen counter making dumplings, jiaozi in Chinese. Looking at us, anyone would think this was a normal day, because every week day since I was seven years old we’ve made dinner together.

15 comments:

  1. Good information on the setting and multicultural aspect of the story. I'm intrigued by the MC's ability with a sharp knife and wonder why he/she would want to trade that skill for the finer skill of needle craft.

    Your beginning is strong and encourages reading more to find out about the McCs desires.

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  2. I would like more detail on the person speaking. I think it’s a girl, and I also think Ayi is his or her brother or sister. As you can see, I’m not clear on the details, so reading it left me confused.

    I like your voice, and the premise. I get a real sense of the two characters closeness.

    I wish you the best of luck.

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  3. I like the knife & needle connection - gives me a good insight into the character's personality.

    Could I suggest a minor change ... "jiaozi, Chinese dumplings" might flow a bit more smoothly.

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  4. I really like this, and the voice is strong. I'm very interested in the MC. Nice job.

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  5. I love the first sentence and: "as good at repairing as I am at cutting apart."

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  6. I've never had to cut a stalk of jiucai, but it doesn't take long to devein one shrimp. I'm not that good with a knife and I could probably devein a shrimp quick enough to give me plenty of time on the juicai. And I'm betting any professional chef could do this in even less time.

    I guess what I'm saying is that the first lines about the character's skill with a knife don't impress me. Maybe if she/he were deveining a pound of shrimp ... anything more than just one.

    I like the multicultural aspect of this, but was left confused by the first lines as it doesn't seem like any great talent.

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  7. Ah, well I beg to differ. This is YA, yes?! So...skill with a knife and even knowing what jiucai is, sets a tone for someone special, different, from the average teen. So I liked the idea of them having this talent that maybe they grew up with, and share...the idea of sharing was lovely. Although, devein one shrimp, I agree with. Five minutes. It defeats what you're trying to convey.
    But all in all, good job!

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  8. I'm curious about what is not normal about this day and why they are trying to do something that is normal on it. I like the kitchen scene and all the details. It makes you realize that you are in a different culture or in a family that is from a different culture. I'm a slow cook so I have no idea how hard it is to do any of those food prep things. I would read on. :-) I want to know about the day...

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  9. I really like the second paragraph because I want to know what makes this day not normal. I became more interested and invested in the story during that paragraph. Maybe the knife skills of the MC should come after that because I like starting with a character and being put in a scene first.

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  10. I also like the multicultural aspect of this piece, and tying it into cooking and food is a nice hook for YA readers, I think. It makes me curious, though I wonder if the rush of unfamiliar terms would be daunting to a young reader.

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  11. Loved this! And already knowing about the five "minutes" typo made me laugh.

    Definitely wanting to know what's different about today!

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  12. Oh, how I love the voice! WTG! You've set up the culture, the conflict and the character wonderfully. Good luck and thanks for sharing!

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  13. I really liked the first paragraph. It pulled me in right away.

    I don't think the second paragraph is as interesting. It needs to be spiced up a bit.

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  14. I love the concept. Wouldn't start a sentence with "But," though. Maybe this would fit better: I wish I were as good with a needle, as good with repairing my life as I am at cutting things apart.

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  15. I really enjoyed this. This : "as good at repairing as I am at cutting apart." is lovely. I'm definitely intrigued by what you have here!

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