Title: SEAGULL RISING
Genre: YA Contemporary
Give me a well-sharpened knife. I can devein a shrimp in less than five minutes, and fly through a stalk of jiucai, piling it in a mound of green shards, as if it’s gone through a food processor. But when I drop the knife and face my life, I wish I were as good with a needle: as good at repairing as I am at cutting apart.
Ayi and I stand elbow-to-elbow at the kitchen counter making dumplings, jiaozi in Chinese. Looking at us, anyone would think this was a normal day, because every week day since I was seven years old we’ve made dinner together.
Good information on the setting and multicultural aspect of the story. I'm intrigued by the MC's ability with a sharp knife and wonder why he/she would want to trade that skill for the finer skill of needle craft.
ReplyDeleteYour beginning is strong and encourages reading more to find out about the McCs desires.
I would like more detail on the person speaking. I think it’s a girl, and I also think Ayi is his or her brother or sister. As you can see, I’m not clear on the details, so reading it left me confused.
ReplyDeleteI like your voice, and the premise. I get a real sense of the two characters closeness.
I wish you the best of luck.
I like the knife & needle connection - gives me a good insight into the character's personality.
ReplyDeleteCould I suggest a minor change ... "jiaozi, Chinese dumplings" might flow a bit more smoothly.
I really like this, and the voice is strong. I'm very interested in the MC. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence and: "as good at repairing as I am at cutting apart."
ReplyDeleteI've never had to cut a stalk of jiucai, but it doesn't take long to devein one shrimp. I'm not that good with a knife and I could probably devein a shrimp quick enough to give me plenty of time on the juicai. And I'm betting any professional chef could do this in even less time.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is that the first lines about the character's skill with a knife don't impress me. Maybe if she/he were deveining a pound of shrimp ... anything more than just one.
I like the multicultural aspect of this, but was left confused by the first lines as it doesn't seem like any great talent.
Ah, well I beg to differ. This is YA, yes?! So...skill with a knife and even knowing what jiucai is, sets a tone for someone special, different, from the average teen. So I liked the idea of them having this talent that maybe they grew up with, and share...the idea of sharing was lovely. Although, devein one shrimp, I agree with. Five minutes. It defeats what you're trying to convey.
ReplyDeleteBut all in all, good job!
I'm curious about what is not normal about this day and why they are trying to do something that is normal on it. I like the kitchen scene and all the details. It makes you realize that you are in a different culture or in a family that is from a different culture. I'm a slow cook so I have no idea how hard it is to do any of those food prep things. I would read on. :-) I want to know about the day...
ReplyDeleteI really like the second paragraph because I want to know what makes this day not normal. I became more interested and invested in the story during that paragraph. Maybe the knife skills of the MC should come after that because I like starting with a character and being put in a scene first.
ReplyDeleteI also like the multicultural aspect of this piece, and tying it into cooking and food is a nice hook for YA readers, I think. It makes me curious, though I wonder if the rush of unfamiliar terms would be daunting to a young reader.
ReplyDeleteLoved this! And already knowing about the five "minutes" typo made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely wanting to know what's different about today!
Oh, how I love the voice! WTG! You've set up the culture, the conflict and the character wonderfully. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first paragraph. It pulled me in right away.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the second paragraph is as interesting. It needs to be spiced up a bit.
I love the concept. Wouldn't start a sentence with "But," though. Maybe this would fit better: I wish I were as good with a needle, as good with repairing my life as I am at cutting things apart.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this. This : "as good at repairing as I am at cutting apart." is lovely. I'm definitely intrigued by what you have here!
ReplyDelete