Title: The Mist Chasers
Genre: YA Fantasy
Walmart was the first to disappear.
That night, my best friend, Adam and I did homework in my living room as usual. I know, our names are cliché, but I couldn’t not be friends with him just because our elementary classmates sang, “Adam and Eve, sitting in an apple tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.” I sat with my knees folded on the rickety olive recliner, with him sprawled at the foot of it. We were supposed to be finishing a boring book for 11th-grade English by reading alternating chapters and sharing what we’d learned.
The characters' names intrigued me. I'm assuming they are part of your hook. Nice casual interaction between the characters lets the reader know they are comfortable with each other, a good combination to go seeking fantastic characters on a journey through the mist! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and the premise is so intriguing! *wink, wink* :o)
ReplyDeleteI love the first line. I want to know why Walmart disappeared. Its a good hook. This first paragraph kept me interested and makes me want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI might be in the minority, but the first line seemed out of place. The topic of Wal-Mart doesn’t fit with the rest of the work.
ReplyDeleteI loved your voice and it left me wanting more. Nice work.
I wish you the best of luck.
I like the first line - but then it seemed to not match the rest of the entry. I like the ease flow of your voice and I feel like I already know your characters :)
ReplyDeleteI had the same reaction as jeff and Jemi. Loved the first line! I was anxious to read more . . . and then kind of disappointed that the next paragraph seemed to have nothing to do with it.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is good, and both paragraphs are great, it was just that I wanted more of a connection right away.
Best of luck with it!
I'm with Jeff, Jemi and Janet. The first line was intriguing, but then seemed to have nothing to do with what immediately followed. It seemed like that line was only there to be a hook.
ReplyDeleteI do really like the names of the characters though.
Yeah, sorry. Didn't like that first line. Funny how varying opinions can be. Remember, this is one hundred words, so only you will know what works or how it will work. So I wouldn't go running off changing anything, until, maybe like another couple of hundred were read.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck.
OKay...everyone can yell at me for not having the contest be longer...I want to know too! I'm super curious what Walmart disappearing has to do with Adam and Eve studying. And I'm really curious about these characters with the names of Adam and Eve. You sure have my interest!
ReplyDeleteI tend to agree with the others. The first line has little to do with the rest of the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteI like the ease and the names of the characters. The scene is believable.
I love the first line, but then it seems disconnected from the second paragraph. With such a great lead in, reassure us by telling us more, even if it's just a little bit, by the end of the paragraph. But I'm still intrigued to know more...
ReplyDeleteHoly smokes I loved the first line!
ReplyDelete