Title: If I Fall
Genre: YA
I still had one week to back out. One week to come up with a way to tell Brian that he’d bought all of that climbing equipment for nothing. One week to dread the disappointed look I knew he’d give me.
I could do it. Just tell him I wasn’t ready to go climbing outside, and then somehow ignore his contagious excitement.
Brian whistled an off-key rock song and I heard him clanking around his room like he’d been doing for the past fifteen minutes. I fell back on my bed and looked at the ceiling. My stomach twisted, its tightness climbing up my throat.
Great set up for the upcoming tension! I would say focus on the conflict, why it is so scary to go climbing outside. Be specific as you convey that emotion. Also, the title is too much like Before I Fall and If I Stay, but that might be a good thing. Who am I to say? :o)
ReplyDeleteThis is great. My only comment would be that the "ignore his contagious excitement" threw me, simply because it didn't flow with the statement before it (in my very humble opinion). I was expecting her to say she had to *ignore* how disappointed he was. If he would continue to be enormously excited, then it wouldn't be so hard for her to tell him, right?
ReplyDeleteThese are just thoughts. Overall, I really like it. Good job! And good luck. :)
Amy
Nicely done. I like the emotions coursing through her. I might suggest you change the last sentence in the first paragraph to ... One week to dread his disappointment. Just a little tighter.
ReplyDeleteI can understood her dread completely. Great job.
ReplyDeletetightness climbing up my throat. Nice one :)
ReplyDeleteGreat job of getting MC's feelings of dread across to the reader. I like the title.
ReplyDeleteThis has a perfect flow. Her tension is fantastic and the way repetitive prose is very effective.
ReplyDeleteAre they brother and sister? Do they live in the same dorm?
ReplyDeleteI totally get her (Oh it could be two guys?) fear of climbing, but in the second paragraph when your mc tells Brian that it's a no and then has to ignore Brian's excitement it doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't Brian be mad or upset?
Nice description! It left a lot of questions and that I believe is a good thing but I would love like one tiny hint in their about why she didn't want to climb to get me to read even further. Good job though:)
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! Very nice job, the voice is perfect.
ReplyDelete