Title: Still
Genre: YA contemporary
My stomach clenches as Dad cranks up the volume on the TV, and my fork pauses mid air. The news reporter’s talking about the seventeen year old who went missing a few days ago. Still no leads.
I squeeze my eyes shut as a memory from last summer assaults me. Fingers tightly gripping my shoulders. My heels dragging along the damp forest ground. Fallen branches digging their spikes into my bare legs. The darkness suffocating me.
“I’m so glad that isn’t you, Calleigh. Calleigh?” Dad pulls me back to the present, my heart still crashing against my chest.
I like this. The memory is vivid and well depicted. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis is really strong. My only comment would be that I think (maybe? -- this is just a personal feeling so if it doesn't ring true, obviously ignore it) it's too ironic that the dad makes the comment he does. I think if the dad were this attentive to his daughter's physical reactions, he would have found out what had happened by now ... and that this HAD happened to her.
ReplyDeleteBut overall, great discription and sounds like a very interesting storyline to come! Best of luck!!
Amy
Nice - you threw us right into the plot. The snippet of memory works well :)
ReplyDeleteLove this, I love that the flashback was just enough to give us some emotion. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteWish i had more to say... I like it, nice work.
ReplyDeleteThis was a nice opening. You threw us straight into the plot.
ReplyDeleteI like the memory of what happened and that intrigues me more than watching television and her dad bringing her to the present. I wonder if that memory could be your opening and stretch out longer (hard to tell with the first 100 words) but that part stood out for me more than the other words.
ReplyDeleteLove the changes you made! Definitely pulled me in and full of emotion.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing!
Very strong emotion. Nice opening.
ReplyDeleteWow! I was brought into your ms very quickly! My body tensed up...WTG! I loved "my heart still chrashing against my chest!" This was super! No suggestions...
ReplyDeleteNice! Very strong opening.
ReplyDeleteA couple small things I would re-order. I would put the stomach clenching after we know why - the news report. And when she flashes back, I'd like to be pulled straight into it, without knowing it was last summer. That way the mystery is heightened, even if only for a paragraph - did this happen to her? Is she empathizing with what may have happened? Then, clue us in that it was a memory of last summer after she's pulled back - especially because Dad doesn't know.
I WANT TO READ MORE! *hint*
Such a very cool beginning. The only thing that threw my off and it really is so not a big deal is the way Dad is just Dad, and that could just be me being weird...who knows:) I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really nice, strong beginning. The voice is spot on. Definitely want to keep reading!!
ReplyDelete