TITLE: Ideal High
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Whose idea was it to broadcast the screen-sized faces of the dead to the farthest shadowy corners of the school’s auditorium? Everybody knew they were gone. Why emphasize the obvious, even for the sake of a memorial? And why no rain on this joyless day? Never a good Texas thunderstorm when you needed one. Instead, sunlight poured through the ribbon of windows high along the back wall of the school’s auditorium.
It fell across the podium where Taryn stood, making it too bright to read the first name on the list. When she finally focused through the glare to speak into the microphone, the name echoed across the vast auditorium.
Great! But you repeat the word "auditorium" too often, in my opinion. I think you could rewrite it to cut at least one of them. But I like the setup.
ReplyDeleteGood job and good luck!
Amy
Nice setup - we get the setting and what's happening right away. Nice :)
ReplyDeleteNice job. Mood and setting and voice established very well. I agree with A.L. though that you could probably cut the word 'auditorium' a couple times.
ReplyDeleteLove the phrase "ribbon of windows". So cool! I would suggest making many of those questions statements instead.
ReplyDeleteInteresting beginning. I agree that you overuse the word "auditorium", try to find other words to use that keeps it from becoming tedious.
ReplyDeleteI like this because I immediately want to know so many things: what happened to bring them to this moment and more about the place. The comment about the rain and Texas made me think place was important to the story.
ReplyDeleteI really like your piece. It immediately makes me want to know what happened to the students or was it even students that were killed or died. I agree with the comments about reducing the number of times you use the word auditorium. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence! For it alone I would continue reading.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intriguing! Nicely done!
ReplyDelete