Name: The Travelers
Genre: Fantasy
I don’t remember the first time I died, but Sophie does. She says I was a scared, old man, as I always am, lying in a pile of old, threadbare blankets in a thatched-roof cottage in Central England. Third century B.C., if memory serves.
I was terrified, she said, but she held my hand and told me it’d get easier after a handful of lifetimes. One day, it’d be as simple as taking a long, slow breath, then exhaling completely.
She was right, now that I think about it. That’s usually how dying feels, if you’re lucky.
I sigh.
Loved that first line! Great hook.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a helpful comment for you, but I really thought this was great. Good job!
First off; writing or I should say, what readers like is subjective, so take what I say with a grain of salt. With that being said—let me tell you what I think.
ReplyDeleteI love the part about how many times he died. But I was left confused by the rest.
Was he reborn many times, or just died and came back to life the same age and the same person?
Maybe be start with him dying, and through dialog we learn he has died several times. That way we learn about Sophie as well. I’m probably not helping much. I want more of an active voice, rather than telling me. That way I’m getting involved through the scene, with emotion, rather than reading it.
I wish you the best of luck.
Terrific hook. I love the whole concept - the deaths becoming easier as time marches on. Very nice - I'd definitely read more :)
ReplyDeleteI read this opening on your blog and I loved it there as well. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. My only point of confusion is that he uses the phrase "if memory serves" when he just said he couldn't remember the first time he died. Upon further reflection, I figured out what this could mean -- either he'd been told he'd died at that time and was remembering what he'd been told or he had some sort of list of where and when he'd lived -- but it did give me pause, and especially on a first page you want things to be as smooth and easy to absorb as possible. So I thought I'd mention it. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry, that was very long-winded explanation of my confusion! But good luck. The writing is great and I love the concept.
Amy
I love the time travellers, of any kind. The only thing I didn't like, was the sigh and the end. It felt a bit light for what the poor fellow's been through.
ReplyDeleteNice! I liked the tone...like here I go again...I wonder what's going to happen this time???? The only thing that didn't flow for me was the part about if memory serves me correctly. Your mc states some specific details, but then is unsure of the century. All in all nice job!
ReplyDeleteNice opening. I was a bit confused with "as memory serves". I get where you're going, but since you started by saying "I don't remember" I would suggest you eliminate the memory serves part.
ReplyDeleteI just have a small suggestion. The voice is strong, but it would be stronger if you change the passive "was" sentences into active. It will bring the reader into the story more.
ReplyDeleteMaybe change to "calling me a scared old man..."
maybe bring in dialogue. "You are terrified," she said... just a thought.
Love it! I particularly adore the final words. 'I sigh.' Gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteI have one nitpick, for the sake of being helpful--the narrator says he doesn't remember the first time he died, but then he says 'if memory serves'. It may be that he's saying 'if memory serves re. what Sophie told me', but on first reading, I had a 'wha?' moment.
I love the concept of dying many times and having someone else on that journey! But I wasn't clear on where in the journey we were - at first it seems like he doesn't ever remember dying, then by the end, like he's died many times and knows exactly what it's like. It might be stronger to stay in his thoughts for the first bit, then bring Sophie in later.
ReplyDeleteI actually loved the last sentence better than any other! Sounds intruiging though the old man part throws me off a bit being that it's a YA book. I know it's only the very beginning though and that it can go anywhere. Good job:)
ReplyDelete