Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 28

Title: Shadow Embraced
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Her blows come quick – and hard – knocking me back into the fleshy wall of the crowd. I'm pushed back to the centre ring and the circle tightens. Their chants sound like an eerie tribal drumbeat warming up for the big sacrifice.

“Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Music blares in the background. Deep bass reverberates through the warped wooden floorboards. The lead singer sounds like he’s chewing on tin foil. I’m surprised I can hear all the taunts my opponent screams at me.

This is my first time at The Basement. Innovative name for a club someone set up in a two-storey fire hazard lacking a basement.


  1. At first I assumed the mc was a guy - then I thought she was a girl - maybe just a hint somewhere to let us know.

    I like the setting you've created - very realistic!

  2. Great! I think, if I were editing this, I would take out the line about the music blaring. The next line is much more effective and pretty much communicates the same thing.

    But I like the scene. Very interesting. I remember this from the first lines contest, so it's fun to read more. :)

    Best of luck!


  3. I've already critted the first 250 words in the blogfest. Still like this one. Good luck in both contests. :D

  4. Your description is wonderful. I felt as if I was in the scene. Well done. I agree with A.L. The music blaring isn't necessary. You showed it well with the bass.

  5. I think your description is great. I do think you need about the music...perhaps you can find a different word than blaring as it is a bit cliche'. I would like to know if the character is male or female. I'm sure it will come up soon, but at this point I don't know the name or sex of your mc. Great description and job pulling me into the scene.

  6. Nice open, very gripping! I would like to know if the MC is male/female too. With all the other details, I think there should be a way to sneak it in (or soon after).