Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 29

Title: Splashback
Genre: YA Thriller

The Sour Patch Kids in the bottom of Heidi Maverick’s sparkly clutch probably bothered him the most.

The Sour Patch Kids, or the ticket stub from that new boy band’s concert.

The Sour Patch Kids, or the ticket stub, or the cotton candy flavored lip gloss.

As he dug deeper into the purse, those random bits of garbage tickled his hands with worry. He thought he’d picked the right girl this time. From afar, this Heidi had looked like a high school upperclassman, slutty and desperate—just the kind he usually took.
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8 comments:

  1. Jemi FraserMarch 21, 2011 at 7:12 PM

    Creepy! Love hearing from the mind of the villain :)

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  2. A.L. SonnichsenMarch 21, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    This gives me the heebie jeebies in a good way. I remember reading this entry in the first lines contest, so it's fun to read what comes next. :)

    Great job!

    Amy

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  3. JackeeMarch 21, 2011 at 11:13 PM

    The repetitive "Sour Patch Kids" is a very unique way to start the story. :o) And I love that we find out right away that the narrator is not a nice protag. The phrase "tickled his hands with worry" is confusing, though.

    Good work--very interesting!

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  4. StinaMarch 22, 2011 at 7:54 AM

    I critted this during the 250 word blogfest. Still love it. Good luck. There's not enough YA thrillers out there. I hope to see it on the bookshelf one day (as do you, no doubt). :D

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  5. UnknownMarch 22, 2011 at 9:02 PM

    I like the mundane nature of the first few lines coupled with what I interpret as a creepy obsessive nature. Not sure I love the slutty aspect, but I take my YA on a tamer side. I am curious as to the narrator's motives and desires.

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  6. Sharon K. MayhewMarch 24, 2011 at 4:43 PM

    I'm pretty creeped out by him rumbling through Heidi's purse. I'm really curious about the last line saying "this Heidi..."

    My only question is about the new boys band concert ticket. Is this like the new boy is in a band and she had a ticket to his concert? Or is this like a ticket to a concert she went to with the new boy?

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  7. Susan Kaye QuinnMarch 25, 2011 at 4:24 PM

    OOOhh! Nice and creepy!

    The only thing that I would change is the repetition. Unless repetitive thoughts are a huge part of his voice, I would rather have that information given quickly and move on to the more important second paragraph.

    But definitely intriguing and want to read on!

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  8. StephMarch 27, 2011 at 11:52 AM

    I know I commented on this one in the Show Me The Voice contest, but I just LOVE it!! No crit, I think this is fab!

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