Title: NIGHT SKY
Genre: YA conteporary
Taking a breath about kills me right now. I thought tonight would be different. Tonight would be the night we’d dance together, we’d move together, and she’d finally start to feel some of the things I do when we touch. But she doesn’t. The way she’s dancing with Eric, every part of her pressed against him, makes me want to throw my fist through something. Maybe his face.
The thing is, I knew it could happen – that she could end up with another guy. But I didn’t know it would hurt this much.
My body’s fading into numbness, probably from shock.
Good job of letting us feel his frustration and anger. you might want to change 'throw my fist' as I imagined it coming off and being thrown :)
ReplyDeleteOh, poor guy! I agree about the fist thing. That image gave me pause, too. But overall, it's good. I think the physical reactions might be slightly overdone, but that's just my humble opinion. If it were me, I would probably remove that last line about "fading into numbness" -- unless his getting the girl is a life or death issue, then it's not overdone at all. :)
ReplyDeleteGood job and best of luck!
Amy
I think you could change "she’d finally start to feel some of the things I do when we touch" to "she’d finally start to feel the way I do when we touch". Other than that, I like this and I'd read on to find out what's going on.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm having a hard time getting this one started. I changed a few things just before this contest, and then you always second guess... any and all comments are welcome :) Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLove the mc's voice and his emotion.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice and emotion too, though the last line made me think this was a YA paranormal novel and had to double check the genre. I was excited when I thought it was a paranormal. His fading away sounded cool. :D
ReplyDeleteStrong voice and great emotions. I like the fact that the reader clearly feels his frustration and wants to know what risk he had taken that might cauase the girl of his dreams to end up in the arms of another guy.
ReplyDeleteSounds good. I'd read further.
I like this a lot. I feel for this character and you start right in on the action so I like that. The only line that made me wonder was 'Maybe his face'. I like the focus of the MC's sadness to be on the girl, rather than Eric.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't actually feeling this as a male voice. 'Tonight would be a night we'd move together, dance together', definitely feels like a girl's voice.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. I think it would be more powerful if you cut the first sentence though, it doesn't seem as strong as the second one. I would also say I want to put my fist through something...I don't think you have to say Eric's face...I think the reader can figure that out. I would read on. :)
ReplyDeletefeeling super bad for this mc! I also would change the line about the fist, yes, I know what you mean, but it does make you pause reading it. Overall, nicely done!
ReplyDelete