Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 19

Title: Thin Time
Genre: Middle Grade

Weird Things Begin To Happen

I’m looking for Fymm now that the early frosts are nipping through my gloves, like a bite from his painfully sharp teeth. It’s nearly a year since I last saw him and I’m scared and excited too. It won’t be long before Thin Time is here again.

I think I’d better say who I am before I tell you what happened the last time I met him. I’m Alice Griffin, I’m nearly eleven, and I’m telling you my name first because that’s what got me into trouble, and it’s the worst trouble that ever happened to me, well the worst so far and I’m lucky to be alive.


  1. You've got a nice story-teller voice :) Love the name Fymm. I wonder if you might consider starting with this sentence: "It won't be long..." It gives me a really good sense of genre & mood.

  2. Very interesting. I haven't read much MG, but I'd definitely read on with this. I want to know what Thin Time is :D

  3. I'm not an MG reader, but I'd read on. Nice.

  4. I like it very much. One thing. I'm no expert on MG, however, I have quite a bit of experience with kids, so...I'm thinking that first sentence is a bit long for MG, in the 'bite from his sharp teeth.' I thought it might be nice to have two sentences there, second starting with 'it's like a bite from his painfully sharp teeth' and I shiver remembering just how sharp they can get.
    You know, that sort of thing, so I'm getting a reaction as well from her. Just a thought.
    Otherwise, I loved it.

  5. I like that you resist the urge to explain yourself. I don't understand a lot, but I'm willing to give that to you, assuming you'll explain soon.

    Good job!

  6. The first paragraph was EXCELLENT and I thought, Wow! great job! But then you lost me at the second paragraph. The last sentence is way too long, and I don't think you should list her age. I just took a few workshops and they said not to do that sort of thing. What if you changed the last sentence into two instead? Here's an idea:
    I think I’d better say who I am before I tell you what happened the last time I met him. I’m Alice Griffin and I’m telling you my name because that’s what got me into trouble in the first place. It’s the worst trouble that I have ever been in, well the worst so far. I’m lucky to even be alive.
    Obviously, make it your own, but you definitely want to break that up a bit.
    Those are my ideas, so take them or leave them. :) I love the name "Thin Time" and I really want to know what that is!! I also like that you say her name got her into trouble...her name?? Got my attention and I would absolutely keep reading. Great start and lots of luck!! :)

  7. I really like the voice and story. Well done. My first thought would be to switch paragraphs. I think it might flow better.

  8. I tend to agree with Michael. I think I want to know more after I read the second paragraph. But if I was to read just the first paragraph I would be a bit confused. Nice storytelling voice!