Title: Cursed
Genre: MG Fantasy
Samuel was already running when the miller’s shed exploded. The wind whistled behind him and he closed his eyes as it overtook him, lifting him off his feet. For a brief moment, he soared. Then he tucked his elbows in and landed with a thud, rolling several times before he came to a stop, lying on his back. Samuel’s experience with explosions had honed his technique for landing. If you are ever in a similar situation, you will find that keeping your elbows tucked in is vital upon making contact with the ground.
He opened his eyes and watched the white cloud drift down towards him.
Great voice - I love this character :)
ReplyDeleteJust one suggestion - do you think you need the 'If you are ever...' sentence? I think you've implied it with the sentence before & it might be even stronger without it.
I have to agree with Jemi and say that removing the 'you' sentence would make this stronger. Love the opening and I'm incredibly curious about why Samuel has experience with explosions. Great job.
ReplyDeleteA lot of great tension and a wonderful first sentence! The second to last sentence draws the reader out, though, as it feels like a POV switch. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of tension and action in this opening, but I also agree that removing the "you" sentence will tighten it and make it have more of an impact.
ReplyDelete"If you are ever in a similar situation, you will find that keeping your elbows tucked in is vital upon making contact with the ground," takes me out of the story...it's like all of a sudden you are talking to me instead of telling the story. I want to know why Samuel is used to explosions....and why is he is working at a mill.
ReplyDeleteThen he tucked his elbows in and landed with a thud, rolling several times before he came to a stop, lying on his back....too long I think. What if after "thud" you started the next sentence with "He rolled several..."
ReplyDeleteOf course I agree with ditch ing the "you" sentence, unless it was intentional. Does the author talk to the reader often and throughout? If so, then separate paragraph it and italicize, otherwise you don't want it in there. Great action, great writing in general. I wish I had more to add, but other than those things, it is an awesome start! Good luck!
I agree with sycahmoremeadows. That sentence need to be trimmed down.
ReplyDeleteI would also get rid of the "you" sentence.
You have some fantastic action, tension, and imagery. I feel it could be even better if you get the inactive sentences active. I think the first sentence needs to be more exciting. Maybe "Samuel ran for his life as the Miller's shed exploded."