Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry number 14

Title: Jedda Hitler, Traitor to the Party
Genre: YA-historical fiction

Grandfather would have never allowed such incompetence in his army.

Sagging belly and paunchy eyes, my jailer the Brown Shirt leans almost casually against the tiled, bathroom walls. Where discipline was once religion, conviction is replaced by indolence.

He would not be so at ease if he knew how loose his men tied my bonds.

I could kill him now if I wished.

Except I want information.

“Give me your name.” His voice echoes. We are underground, in a tunnel. He believes he is the one interrogating, with me slumped on the bathroom floor before him.
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10 comments:

  1. Kelly PolarkMarch 21, 2011 at 7:53 PM

    Is this Hitler a relation to THE Hitler?! Interesting!
    Great first line and next paragraph. Intriguing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lori M. LeeMarch 21, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    Very interesting. I'd like to know more, so great job.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jemi FraserMarch 21, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    Very nice! The personality of the mc is already clear & I love the voice.

    Small suggestion ... eliminate 'almost casually' - I think it might be stronger without this :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jolene PerryMarch 21, 2011 at 10:08 PM

    I love that last phrase, but I think I'd like it more in two short sentences, make sense? That's a HUGE deal, you've set up that he has (or is going to have) the upper hand soon.

    Cool idea, interesting hook. I'd totally read on.

    ReplyDelete
  5. StinaMarch 22, 2011 at 7:12 AM

    Great job on this one. I want to keep reading to find out what happens next. :D

    ReplyDelete
  6. Gayle C. KrauseMarch 22, 2011 at 10:58 AM

    I absolutely LOVE the title. That's a hook in itself.

    THe setting and story is set up well, great tension and the reader is already rooting for the hero.

    One slight nitpik... Is the MC a boy? or a girl? Can't tell from these lines. I thought it was a girl, but I see others here thought it was a boy. Maybe something in the first lines to clarify MC's gender.

    Sounds like a great story. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jeff KingMarch 22, 2011 at 3:35 PM

    Nice work... I agree with the gender issue, some clirity would help visulized it better.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sharon K. MayhewMarch 22, 2011 at 9:50 PM

    I agree with Gayle the title is a hook enough for me. I for sure want to read on... Perhaps you could have Jedda pull her hair back in a pony tail or something slightly feminine to indicate her sex. Really Nice! I'd read on for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  9. A.L. SonnichsenMarch 22, 2011 at 11:58 PM

    Very intriguing! I think your voice is very unique, too. I can't think of anything I'd change. Great job! And best of luck. :)

    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  10. Janet JohnsonMarch 23, 2011 at 10:49 AM

    I'm loving this already. The voice shines through as does your mc's character.

    Great job! And fascinating subject. :)

    ReplyDelete

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