Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 15

Title: The Story of Two
Genre: Women's Fiction

I wanted nothing more than to buy Kate a dress. Of course, she was
disinterested. She stared out the tall windows of the boutique
instead. A red balloon dangled from the tree, its long string swaying
back and forth.

“It’s just a balloon,” I said, remembering a short film about a boy
who paraded around Paris with a gigantic red balloon. The way he ran
around the city to retrieve it after it blew away. His little legs,
socks pulled up to his knees, racing through the cobblestone streets
of Paris.

But Kate did not run. She did not follow.


  1. You've got me really curious about Kate! I want to know why she's so despondant & what it is she needs - I think you've made it clear she needs something! :)

  2. His little legs, socks pulled up to his knees, racing through the cobblestone streets. (You just said the boy ran around Paris so no need to repeat)

    This is an intriguing start. Other than paring a few unnecessary words here and there, I think this is great and I'm definitely hooked.

    I am concerned, however, that I'm more interested in Kate here than the MC/narrator.

  3. I got a bit confused with 'trying to decide what my mother might want her to wear.' I had to read that bit twice. I get it now, but at first it was unclear to me. I just wasn't sure why she would be saying what does she really want.
    I got a bit lost there, but I loved the beginning and wondered about the girl that didn't run.
    Good luck. I thought it was lovely.

  4. Sometimes I like it when words are left separate did not, but it feels stilted to me.

    Nice setup - and I SO remember that movie!

  5. I agree with escape artist, that last paragraph confused me.

    Also, not to be nit-picky or anything, but this is a good 50 words over what was supposed to be submitted.

    The thing is, The first 100 words were interesting and then in the last 50 (the part about the mother), I got confused as to what was really going on. The first part really captured the tone of the scene, I think, and pulled me in.

  6. I am curious about the relationship between Kate and Elizabeth, and their individual relationships with their mother. I personally love the reference to the Red Balloon, but I wonder if a contemporary reader would connect with it.

  7. My bad on the word count...I should have noticed it was over the limit. I had some technical problems. It took me five hours to post all the entries! I had them all done, but then had to reformat them. My blog has gone wild??? All of my side bar names reverted to their blog names too. UGH!

    I want to know more about Kate and why Elizabeth feels the need to take care of her. I like the voice. My suggestion would be to revise the second paragraph. I think you can combine it with the third sentence and be more effective with your word usage. :) I would read on. I want to know why Kate needs Elizabeth's help.

  8. Okay...the word count problem is fixed. I just didn't want to change a posting without getting in touch with the author of the piece. I'm sure everyone can understand that. :D