9. Brain Invaders
Genre: MG
The man shook violently. His eyes rolled in their sockets and his body went limp and thudded to the floor. His tongue hung out of his mouth. It looked like it was growing.
Random writings of my random thoughts.
I get a clear picture of the man, but not a strong sense of who the main character is, or what the plot is (tho I could guess based on the title of your work and the man's collapse). It looks like you are starting right in with the action (good), but you would need to contextualize it in the next couple of paragraphs and make it relevant to your main character for this to work.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading - great hook!
ReplyDeleteGreat description of what the MC is seeing! I hope the next few sentences let you know more about the MC. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteWhoa!!! This is good! I'm hooked! More please.
Good luck
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I think this is an exciting way to start a story! One problem I had was with the last sentence. It's not clear what was growing. I assume you mean his tongue, but it's awkward because you *could* also read it as his mouth growing.
ReplyDeleteI hope this is helpful and best of luck.