tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post4187521649688076101..comments2024-01-13T03:17:02.912-06:00Comments on S.K. Mayhew, Kid Lit Writer : Sharon K. Mayhewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-88195188058445594342010-03-29T00:31:53.430-05:002010-03-29T00:31:53.430-05:00I think this is an exciting way to start a story! ...I think this is an exciting way to start a story! One problem I had was with the last sentence. It's not clear what was growing. I assume you mean his tongue, but it's awkward because you *could* also read it as his mouth growing.<br /><br />I hope this is helpful and best of luck.A.L. Sonnichsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11358456786727534289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-40148508001712355282010-03-28T15:55:56.818-05:002010-03-28T15:55:56.818-05:00Hi
Whoa!!! This is good! I'm hooked! More ple...Hi<br /><br />Whoa!!! This is good! I'm hooked! More please.<br /><br />Good luck<br /><br />xOld Kittyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13185547869183611159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-88451369156873558592010-03-28T11:59:51.781-05:002010-03-28T11:59:51.781-05:00Great description of what the MC is seeing! I hop...Great description of what the MC is seeing! I hope the next few sentences let you know more about the MC. I'd keep reading.Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-3639865392263890172010-03-28T08:20:58.050-05:002010-03-28T08:20:58.050-05:00I'd keep reading - great hook!I'd keep reading - great hook!Susan Fieldshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02433408456603462774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-15731045580430324632010-03-26T17:37:08.802-05:002010-03-26T17:37:08.802-05:00I get a clear picture of the man, but not a strong...I get a clear picture of the man, but not a strong sense of who the main character is, or what the plot is (tho I could guess based on the title of your work and the man's collapse). It looks like you are starting right in with the action (good), but you would need to contextualize it in the next couple of paragraphs and make it relevant to your main character for this to work.Bluestockinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01225973854788421827noreply@blogger.com