6. Vultura Highway
Crime Thriller
“Ventura Highway” started playing and Scott Haskins thought, this can’t be a coincidence, as his convertible cut through the darkness at eighty miles per hour; his mind and body in perfect harmony from the three glasses of Bushmills he treated himself to in the sanctity of his office thirty minutes ago.
The wind rolled off the windshield, aerating his hundred-dollar haircut and filling his nose with the fragrance of Eau de Southern California.
Scott summed things up in his mind, I just sealed a sweet deal and I’m flying down Ventura Highway in a hundred thousand dollar car, listening to America sing Ventura Highway. It is good to be me.
The first waft of a chemical stench assaulted his nostrils, interrupting the serenity of the moment.
Random writings of my random thoughts.
interesting. Reminds me of the opening of Gargoyle. Like the little detail of the hundred-dollar haircut. I found the first sentence was a bit of a mouthful right at the start. But good. Just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI think there are some great details. Some of the sentences are a little long, prob because of the stream of consciousness at work here. Not sure I am supposed to sympathize with Scott or not... There's nothing here yet that makes me care one way or another about him.
ReplyDeleteThis gives us a strong feel for Scott right away, and I love the last line - I want to know more!
ReplyDeleteI liked certain parts of this a lot. It definitely has promise. I'd just work on your flow, and cut out any unnecessary words. Your sentences felt run-on to me, especially the first one with the (incorrectly-used) semi-colon. (Only use semi-colons to separate phrases that can stand on their own as sentences ... I've had to learn this the hard way because I had a bad habit connecting incomplete sentences with semi-colons. It's a hard habit to break! I had to go cold turkey: NO SEMI-COLONS, until I learned to use them correctly.) The part about the Eau du Southern California was funny. I'd go with that voice and work on your punctuation. Thoughts should probably be in quotation marks with tags to avoid reader confusion.
ReplyDeleteJust some thoughts. I hope this helps and good luck!
First, I'm curious about this rich dude and what the chemical smell he just noticed. Second, I'm a bit confused by the changing PPOVs. The third paragraph didn't have the same voice as the others. It does sound interesting. :)
ReplyDelete