Friday, March 26, 2010

7. Killing Kessler
    Paranormal Romance

The mouse squeaked when Adam put it in the machine. Tabitha wrapped her arms around her stomach and concentrated on not puking. Sucking air past the lump in her throat hurt enough to make her forget about breathing, at least for a while. Adam pushed a button on the remote control.


  1. I really like your third sentence here. The rest, I'm not sure about. I don't really get a strong sense of Tabitha's character otherwise, and I don't know enough about Adam or the machine to make any judgments. Assuming that becomes clearer later on.

  2. Great job! I really get into the scene. I can feel the anxiety in the room and I'm worried about what kind of machine they are putting the mouse into. What is going to happen to the mouse? Why are they putting the mouse in a machine? Yep, hooked!

  3. Oh No!! Poor mouse!!!!


    Brilliant start - I'm there with the mouse and poor Tabitha. Bad Adam!

    I'll read on to find out what happened to the mouse - seriously!



  4. I really like this. If I could change anything, it would just be focusing less on Tabitha's physical reactions to this process. I mean, after all, we don't even know what machine it is or what's going to happen to the mouse. Would she really want to puke just anticipating what's going to happen to this mouse? Has Adam done this to other mice? If she's so upset, why does she have to stay? I know it's just the first four sentences, so you'll probably explain all this pretty quickly, but more grounding in what's happening might be a good idea before the detailed account of Tabitha's reaction. Or, just simplify Tabitha's reaction. Choose one of the things you mentioned to show that she's uncomfortable and move on.

    I hope this helps. I love mice! I hope the mouse doesn't get squashed!