14.Musher's Don’t Say Mush
Young Adult fiction
The thing about dogsled racing is things can happen pretty fast. Look down for a blink to hang the snow hook and you've missed the parked car that you need to avoid on the way to the trail. So really, it wasn't my fault the side mirror accidentally tangled with my sled and ripped off. I mean, who parks a car on the road anyway, when you know a pile of crazy dogs will be screaming past?
Random writings of my random thoughts.
Um, too many "things" in the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteGreat sense of voice here. The "look down for a blink" gave me a bit of trouble especially with the following prepositional phrase right after, but could just be me. Question... you say you need to avoid the car on the way to the trail.. I assumed the race was already underway.
ReplyDeletethanks bluestocking - I've fixed to show that the race started in town and had to run through the streets to get to the trail head. (sponsors like having the start at their business so they truck snow in. Crazy, I know)
ReplyDeleteooh, yeah, just gave it away I guess. Yes, I did critique my own entry.
ReplyDeleteI like this - I'm drawn in by the voice right away, this is someone I'd like to spend more time with. I might get rid of the word "accidentally" since this clearly wasn't meant to happen.
ReplyDeleteI really like the first sentence. It sounds like a teenager. I'd add a "You" to the beginning of the second sentence. Great start, I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteI like how this made me laugh and a great way to catch attention - start humourously to set the scene and tone of the story.
Take care
x
I like this a whole bunch. I especially like the voice. It has huge potential. All this needs is a little polish. At the moment it's not quite smooth enough, imho. I had to stop too often while reading because I was tripping over words. Also, "need to avoid" should be "needed to avoid," right? (Since it's in past tense?)
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps and I really do like this. Great way to start! :)