13.Lion Awakens
MG
Annie rolled over and hugged her stuffed lion, which was missing a brown eye and some of its tan fur. The lion was a present for her fourth birthday and every night for the past thirteen years she had slept with it. Well, except for when she was little and stayed overnight at a friend's house. She didn't want the other girls to think she was a baby, so she left Charlotte at home.
Random writings of my random thoughts.
Am I reading this right - she's seventeen? She got the bear when she was four and slept with it for thirteen years?
ReplyDeleteYou do a good job describing the stuffed animal but I don't think this is strong enough to start a book. I would also make the following edits to the first part of your submission to smooth out your sentences a bit (note that this is to my taste, maybe not yours and your mc):
ReplyDeleteAnnie rolled over and hugged her stuffed lion. Missing a brown eye and some of its tan fur, the lion was a present for her fourth birthday. Since then, she had slept with it every night for the past thirteen years.
I agree that I'd like to have some more action going right away to draw me in, the background on the girl and her lion isn't really strong enough to keep the reader moving forward. But it is a nice description and tells us some good stuff about the character, maybe just not as the opener.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about why she has been sleeping with this teddy for so long. My guess is someone important gave it to her before they left or died. I'd read on...
ReplyDeleteI would change the second part of the first sentence. I'd make it into a seperate sentence.
Awwwww.
ReplyDeleteI like how you focused on Charlotte - it spoke volumes of who Annie is as a character. A sweet gentle start.
good luck!
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I like this. I was an avid stuffed animal/doll person growing up, so I empathize with these emotions. Biggest thing is to concentrate on your tenses. Since you're skipping around talking about a time in the past and a time further in the past, you need to be clear on your tenses so your reader isn't confused. For example: "The lion was a present for her fourth birthday" would be clearer as, "The lion had been a present for her fourth birthday...." The way it reads now, I thought at first that she had just had her fourth birthday ... until it mentioned she'd had the lion for thirteen years. It took my brain a few seconds to figure it all out -- and you don't want that. You want it to be smooth and clear.
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps and hasn't been totally confusing! Good luck!
I did find it a might confusing. I do want to know why the animal is so important to her, but it kind of felt like too much explanation right at the opening.
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