11.High Street Gang and the Locket of Doom
MG
I'm scared. I don't mind walking through the cemetery when it's light outside, but at midnight? Walking on top of all those dead people when it's dark gives me he creeps.
Random writings of my random thoughts.
I think your last sentence here is really strong as we get a clear sense of the mc's voice. The more you can show what your character is feeling through thought and word choice, the better (instead of just saying "i'm scared").
ReplyDeleteHooked! I love it.
ReplyDeleteI'd be inclined to remove the "I'm scared" as unnecessary telling, especially when you've backed it up with some good showing. I'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI like it a lot. I'd make the first sentence sound more like a teen said it. (Yeah, I'm scared. Really scared.) I'd definately read on! Nice job...
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteOh I like this! it's straight to the point but also infused with intrigue. I'd like to read on because I'm dying (no pun intended!) to know who this person is and why!
good luck!
x
I really like this voice. I can't think of anything I would change. Good job. :)
ReplyDelete