Friday, March 26, 2010

11.High Street Gang and the Locket of Doom

I'm scared. I don't mind walking through the cemetery when it's light outside, but at midnight? Walking on top of all those dead people when it's dark gives me he creeps.


  1. I think your last sentence here is really strong as we get a clear sense of the mc's voice. The more you can show what your character is feeling through thought and word choice, the better (instead of just saying "i'm scared").

  2. I'd be inclined to remove the "I'm scared" as unnecessary telling, especially when you've backed it up with some good showing. I'd definitely keep reading!

  3. I like it a lot. I'd make the first sentence sound more like a teen said it. (Yeah, I'm scared. Really scared.) I'd definately read on! Nice job...

  4. Hi

    Oh I like this! it's straight to the point but also infused with intrigue. I'd like to read on because I'm dying (no pun intended!) to know who this person is and why!

    good luck!


  5. I really like this voice. I can't think of anything I would change. Good job. :)