Hurry, Hurry...Two Manuscript Critiques...

Once a month Marcia Hoehne gives away TWO manuscripts critiques. She'll  critique the first 1000 words of a children's magazine story, chapter book, mid-grade novel, or YA novel.  (Fiction only, no picture books, easy readers, or  poetry.)  I was lucky enough to win one of these critiques last month!  Marcia has authored numerous books and is a writing instructor....You have a until Sunday, October 31st to hop over to her blog and throw your name in the ring...

I submitted the first three chapters of a chapter book manuscript called BEG, BORROW, AND EARN. 

^{Pitch: David likes to buy stuff, even when he can’t afford it; the trouble is he’s reached the point where he can’t borrow anymore money from his family or friends.}

<sup>A Snippet:
“Can I get new sneakers?” David asked.
“You can wear the ones you have until the end of the summer. We’ll get you a new pair, right before school starts,” Mom said.
“Cool!” David’s voice went squeaky. “I know what kind I want. I want a pair of black and white Ninja Heelys.”
Mom was reading the label on a box of Cap’n Crunch . She looked over the top of her glasses . “I can’t see the point in spending sixty dollars on a pair of sneakers that turn into roller skates when you already have roller blades.”
“But, Mom, they’re wicked cool! I have to have them or everyone’ll think I’m a loser.”

Things I learned:
1. She liked my dialogue and said she would read on.  (smile)</sup>  

^{2. Had a sense of talking heads at the beginning...I should insert more setting right away, so you know the setting....(It takes 4 sentences to figure out where the characters are.)}

^{3. Liked my language level. (smile)}

^{4. Keep my math/human ratios simple or they will confuse the readers...(Grandma and Pappa give David $8 for his birthday and Uncle Ken gives him $8.  The way I worded it was confusing to the reader...)}

^{5. Don't use too many brand names... (I'm not sure about this one...David is really into that kind of stuff...it's part of him...I'll have to investigate this issue.)}

^{6. My second chapter doesn't have anything really funny or a big action in it.  Marcia thought I should add something humorous to it.} 

^{Marcia gave me some great pointers.  I hope that you hop over and meet her, she is one smart lady!}

^{Have you submitted anything lately?}