Okay, ladies and gentlemen...
Let's get cooking!
If you submitted a piece, please critique at least five pieces. Be kind with your comments, but if you have constructive advice, please give it. :)
Thanks to everyone who was able to participate. For those of you who are heavy into A-Z, I'll do another one this summer. :)
Entry .5 (This one came in a little later than the others...sorry about that.)
Entry .5 (This one came in a little later than the others...sorry about that.)
Title: POSTER OF THE YEAR
Genre: Picture book
Amy slouched through the door, flinging her books down on the kitchen table.
“What’s wrong?” Asked Amy’s mom, taking a tray of cookies out of the oven.
“I spilled milk on my jeans at lunch and I didn’t get picked to be the class monitor.” Amy scratched at the milk stain on her pants leg. “Worst of all, there’s a poster contest at school and I can’t think of anything to draw.”
“You’ll come up with something.”
Mom offered Amy a cookie. “Want a snack?”
“No thanks.” Amy shrugged and frowned. “What can I draw for the contest?”
I thought I smelled something cooking!
ReplyDeletelooks great! Love the colours!
ReplyDeleteThat looks yummy! Sorry I wasn't able to participate. I'll try to catch up and read the entries soon. Hope you're having a good week!
ReplyDeleteFrom this small section, it's hard to see a difference in Mom's and Amy's voice. Maybe you could make Amy sound a little more pouty?
ReplyDeleteI wonder what she will end up doing on her poster...
Thanks for joining in. :)
I'm going to town. I'll be back later to offer feedback. :-)
ReplyDeleteI would try for a grumpier Amy...and perhaps change the milk stain and class monitor around...so being monitor becomes more important than the stain. Hmmm...I too wonder what the poster will be?
ReplyDeleteGood opening. Just a couple thoughts:
ReplyDelete- The second line should be: "What's wrong?" asked Amy's mom.... (lower-case "a" in "asked")
- The last line tag contains too much action. I would pick one of those two actions. I think it would flow better.
- Milk doesn't stain, so maybe it should be "milk spot?"
- And shouldn't it be pant leg instead of pants leg? I think since it's one leg of the pants, it's singular pant.
Had enough of my nitpicks? :) Good job and best of luck!
Story sounds fun! Along with some of the other changes suggested, you might want to change the 2 'ing' verbs near the beginning. Good luck with it! :)
ReplyDeleteI thought the phrase "worst of all" felt a little unrealistic (too formal) coming from Amy, based on the rest of her speech. "Plus" might work a bit better--but that's just me!
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in knowing what this poster contest is and why Amy seems upset about it.
ReplyDeleteI read this submission a couple of times, and I'm curious as to the age of Amy. I'm thinking this young lady is in her late elementary or early middle school years, so this would be more than a picture book to me. My thinking is that this could be a chapter book or maybe something more.
Susanne
PUTTING WORDS DOWN ON PAPER
Lower case a in Asked. Maybe have Amy either shrugging or frowning rather than both.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the short piece.
That just makes me hungry. ;)
ReplyDeleteMy crit: How old is Amy? She sounds a little grown up. Could you make her sound younger?
Great writing! =D
I also think this sounds a bit too old for a picture book.
ReplyDeleteStill a great piece. Have a fantastic weekend.
I also think this sounds a bit too old for a picture book.
ReplyDeleteStill a great piece. Have a fantastic weekend.