Title:The Longest March
Genre: Realistic Apocalypti
I’ve always liked numbers, which is really funny because I was such a terrible math student in school. I would like to blame the teachers, but the more likely reason is that I just didn’t give a rip for a bunch of problems with no basis in reality. So, you want reality? Here’s a real number for you. Actually here’s a few “real” numbers. Eight billion. That’s the estimated world population just before the King Death (KD or Katy for short) flu really got going.
I would read on...I want to know how many people are left and how the KD Flu got started.
ReplyDeleteIn the first sentence you don't need "in school" it goes without saying.
I'm not a big fan of talking directly to the reader in a story. For me that takes me out of it. I would cut the "So you want reality?" question.
Thanks for joining in. :)
I like the conversational tone of this piece. I personally don't feel pulled out by the author addressing the reader. I also like the narrator's attitude, and I'm anxious to hear more about this flu!
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting, for sure. I was thrown off by the parenthetical abbreviation notes after King Death. It broke up the sentence too much for me. I might work on removing unnecessary words from the entire paragraph. It felt a little cluttered. Besides those little nit-picks, it's an intriguing opening.
ReplyDeleteOne question, though - does the narrator address the reader this way through the entire book?
That last sentence particularly the parentheses confused me. The (KD or Katy for short) I love the first sentence. I agree with Mayhew. You don't need school in that sentence.
ReplyDeleteI’ve always liked numbers, which is really funny because I was such a terrible math student. See how it sounds?
The second sentence could very easily be changed to shorten it. it seems really long. (I write picture books and MG novels, so forgive me if this isn't so with this type of story.) It just seems to me like there are a lot of extra words in it. I am guessing that in entire book the narrator addresses the reader? Interesting.
I am wondering how many were killed and I will tell you that this opening does build questions in my mind. Which is what you want. :-)
Love reading these comments! Yes this is the style of the entire book. It's a journal that a very lonely survivor starts to keep from going crazy
ReplyDeleteI'd have to say that my critiques are the same. I do like the "voice" of this piece though. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI like the tone and the voice. You might be able to tighten up a bit in keeping with that voice. For example: 'I'd like' would sound more like the mc from the rest of the piece...'it's more likely' instead of 'the more likely reason' - that type of thing. Good luck with it :)
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading because I want to know more about the flu. I don't think the part in the parenthesis is needed. I found it a little confusing.
ReplyDeleteSusanne
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