Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 32

Title: Remembered
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

The only thing Jonas was completely sure of was that Mackenzie Shae was going to die. As he studied her walking along – practically bouncing – in step to the loud music still playing in the field behind her, he couldn’t help but stare. Not that Mackenzie intrigued him. No human had that affect on Jonas. They were way too predictable. Sure, she probably attracted a majority of the male population, but she was the whole reason this mess consumed him in the first place. That annoyance completely trumped how she looked.

Of course the bond between them continued to aggravate him as well.

10 comments:

  1. Nice! I like the voice and the whole set up - I've got a great visual going on here :)

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  2. Hmm, I wonder what kind of creature Jonas is. I'd read on to find out. I'm also wondering what "the mess" is.

    The only thing I would comment on is that the last few sentences seem unnecessarily wordy. For instance, I'd trim "completely" and "whole" and maybe even "continued to." I'm also wondering if you need to say "had consumed him" to make it gramatically correct and help with flow.

    Just nit-picky details. Overall, great job! Best of luck. :)

    Amy

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  3. Very interesting! :o) I love that he's interested but not in conventional ways. Adds up to a lot of intrigue. I would read on to get my questions answered. Good job--best of luck!

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  4. Nice opening. Hints of things to come. The foreshadowing of the death and how Jonas knows about it is intriguing (though the name Jonas as a lead character has been spoiled for me by The Giver). I also love the veiled reference to Humans. Not sure about the title, though. Seems a tad flat.

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  5. I love that MacKenzie is being stalked by someone/something who knows she's going to die--and that he has a connection to her. Intriguing.

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  6. This is the only thing I've read that I can honestly say I don't have anything to add to. The first line was perfect. The writing is awesome and the voice is great. VERY well done. (and I ALWAYS try to offer something) Great start and good luck!! :)

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  7. I'm intrigued. I will say that you have three -ly words in the first paragraph which seems like a lot. I would see if you could replace at least one of them. I like that Jonas is irritated by his attraction to MacKenzie. Nice job!

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  8. Thanks for the commentes everyone! I take each and every one very seriously:)

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  9. The voice is great! Very nicely done! So intrigued by Jonas!

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