Title: Phantom Fires
Genre: YA Paranormal Romance
Violent orange and blue flames leaped up to swallow him. Seconds ago, Laurent stood in front of me dressed like a proper Southern gentleman, gray slacks, boots, long sleeve white buttoned down shirt complete with a gray vest over it. Inches from him, I wore a lavender dress and his jacket. Then out of nowhere, flames ripped across the moist grass.
There was no smoke. Just flames. He screamed in pain though I couldn’t actually see him burning, or smell the burning flesh. His eyes begged for help. Help I had no idea how to offer.
I like the flames & their effect - very cool. I wonder if you might move some of the description to later so we can gallop along with the action.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I agree with Jemi (thanks, Jemi! lol) that the description should be moved to later. The guy is on fire, and I'd like to get a stronger sense of the MC's feelings rather than a list of what he was wearing.
ReplyDeleteCool premise. I like, and I'll second the first two, give us some feeling right away. Probably it's in the next paragraph...
ReplyDeleteOne of the fun things about only getting 100 words!
I'm with the others on moving the description. It's not really realistic that flames leap up and then this girl flashes back to what he was wearing.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing start. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing they're not real flames since there's no smell of burning flesh.
I'm with the others. Move the description.
Good luck!
I would like to see Laurent's name in the first sentence. Then he can be referred to as "he" in the second. We don't need the MC's clothing description we get the gist of the setting by what Laurent is wearing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I's eliminate "In pain." It's understood.
Good concept though. I'd keep reading. :)
When I read this, I thought of starting with Laurent's description only and the mc's reaction to him. You know, to get some kind of feel of their relationship, and then moving to the fire. Don't think I 'm weird or anything, but I imagined her smiling at him, almost admiringly, and then the scream and the smoke and then.....
ReplyDeleteSorry getting carried away. Definitely drop the mc description.
Good luck.
Originally it opened with what they were wearing and then went to the fire. But ppl thought the opening should be stronger so I rearranged it. I know it seems insignificant but what they are wearing matters, because she's in the future right now. This moment hasn't happened yet, and she'll know when it's going to because they're dressed a very specific way that they wouldn't usually.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is OMGoodness what happens to him??? Why can't she help....She could throw her jacket on him or pull out her cell and call 911. Yep....I'm hooked! Nice job! I don't have any suggestions. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence hooks you, but agreed maybe leave the detailed description til later as it overwhelms the paragraph. Concentrate on the action. Intriguing!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!