18.The Path
Genre: YA
Mumbling undecipherable words, Blake White sat on a weathered boulder glaring at a surfer suiting up. His teeth chattered as he looked out towards the vast open water colored sea; the crisp air chilled him to the bone, causing him to catch his breath. Living this life made it hard to even breathe some days. School just wasn’t the same as before.
Random writings of my random thoughts.
cliche alert - chilled to the bone. Also, the sea is the colour of water? Need a much stronger similie. Good hook with the last line though. Why isn't it the same?
ReplyDeleteI agree the imagery needs to be punched up, but you have the right pieces. Your last two sentences are the strongest, but I don't really understand their connection to the first two... you might want to make that more explicit. Also, I think opening your first sentence with a gerund: "mumbling incomprehensible words" really weakens whatever comes after. You want the first line to be strong structurally AND content-wise.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the "vast open water colored sea" gave me pause - I'd look for a different description there. I'm also not sure if he likes this life (which I'm inclined to think is the case) or not (mainly because he glared at the surfer). But I really like the last line and want to read more to know why school isn't the same.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested...I'd read on to see what the problem is going to be. :) I'm a bit confused by the color water colored sea.
ReplyDeletehi
ReplyDeleteI like "liviing this life made it hard to even breathe some days"
I like how you set the scene and get straight under the skin of Blake. Good luck!
:-)
take care
x
I like this and I'm interested, but there are a few things I would change. The opening, "muttering undecipherable words," drew me out of the story before I'd even started. Were Blake's words even undecipherable to himself? If this is third person limited, we should have access to Blake's thoughts (which we do) -- so why wouldn't we be allowed to hear the words he's muttering? I don't ever go around mumbling, "Mshemsosmoskdhgsosh" (my interpretation of an undecipherable word) when I'm upset by something. It's only to outsiders that the words would be undecipherable, and as a reader, I shouldn't be an outsider.
ReplyDeleteI think others have commented on the imagery, so I'll leave that alone.
I'd also be careful about mentioning "catch his breath" and "hard to even breathe" so close together. You're talking about two separate things -- a physical reaction and an emotional reaction -- so it gets confusing.
I sincerely hope this helps. I like the idea of a surfing protag. Sounds cool. Best of luck!
I am curious as to what he means by "living this life made it hard to even breathe some days" but I found the very beginning confusing. Also, I'm assuming it's cold, since you say his teeth chatter, so I don't think it's necessary to elaborate on him being chilled to the bone. I got the picture with just that one action.
ReplyDelete