I don't know about you, but I needed some spring this weekend. So I went to the florist and bought some.
Thusday, Tess, shared a snippet of her upcoming book, WITH A NAME LIKE LOVE. Tess, being Tess encouraged all of us to share a snippet of something we are working on. Friday Amy shared a snippet of her WIP. So today, I'm going to share a snippet of my mid-grade historical fiction WIP.
WHRRRRR, whrrr, WHRRR, whrrr
The air raid siren howled. It was September 7th, 1940 and the Blitz had begun.
“Hurry, hurry!” Mummy shouted. “Get out of bed, girls. Get to the shelter!”
Our shelter was in back of our council house. Daddy us dug a deep trench, in the back garden where we used to grow potatoes, and covered it with corrugated aluminium. The walls and floor were cold and damp and I hated going in it.
“I don’t want to go in there, Daddy,” Gina whined. “It’s full of creepy crawlies.”
“It-will-be-fine,” Daddy’s face was drawn in tight. In the distance we could hear the whistle of the bombs and the thunderous sound of explosions as they landed.
“Down there, now!” roared Daddy. All the while the sirens continued to blast on and off.
WHRRRRR, whrrr, WHRRR, whrrr
Mummy slid down the dirt wall into the shelter and I followed her lead. Gina was clutching Dolly. Daddy lowered her to Mummy. We got down on our knees, put our heads on our laps and covered our ears with our hands. Gina began crying. Mummy pulled us both close to her and she patted our backs.
“It’ll be all right, girls, it’ll be all right,” she said.
Daddy leapt into the shelter and dragged the corrugated aluminium over the opening above our heads.
KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM!
EEEAAWWW! EEEAAWWW!
The explosions and wailing sirens continued through the night. We could see, ever so slightly, around the sides of the roof that the sky was continually changing from dark to light and back. As dawn broke we could hear the German bombers flying off. The earth stopped shaking and the air raid siren blew on solid blast for two minutes. The air raid was over, Mr. Churchill told us (on the wireless) that would be the all clear signal.
Daddy pushed our make do roof out of the way. We all stood up and tried to rub the dirt off our legs. Gina began to cough. A thick layer of dust made the air brown.
Daddy climbed out first. “Gimme a sec and I’ll clear the way.”
We heard a loud thud as Daddy threw something and it bounced across our back garden. “Pass Gina to me. Go slow. It’s a bloomin mess up ere.”
Mummy picked up Gina and Daddy pulled her out of the shelter.
“Stand right there, Luv, and don’t move,” Daddy said. “Joyce, you’re next!”
I climbed on top of an old wooden crate that had been put in the corner of the shelter and Daddy helped me to get out.
“Jus' stand with Gina, Joyce. Let me ‘elp yur Mum.” Daddy took Mummy’s hands and pulled her out of the shelter. I loved the way Daddy held Mummy’s hand. Even in all of this, I could see how gently he took it. It was like she was a delicate Wedgewood tea cup.
Gina and I stood frozen in the spot Daddy put us in. It was hard to see. The air was thick with smoke and dust.
Mrs. Haskell’s house was half gone. Did they make it to their shelter? I wondered. The half that was still standing was attached to our house. Amazingly enough, our house seemed to only have broken windows.
Mister and Mrs. Elstone’s house was completely gone. Stone, brick, metal, and dust mixed in with our neighbor’s possessions lay on what had been the streets and gardens around our house.
Daddy began to force his way through the rubble. “Come ‘elp me, Janet. I can ‘ear Mrs. Haskell an’ ‘er boys. They’re under all this rubbish.”
“Girls,” Mummy said, “You mustn’t move from this spot.”
We both nodded. Gina squeezed my hand tightly.
Mummy navigated her way over to the Haskell’s air raid shelter.
“We can hear you, Mary. Are you and the boys alright? Wilfred and I’ll get you out,” Mummy called out.
“We’re bloody filthy and tired, but we’re alright.” Mrs. Haskell’s voice sounded muffled from under her make-do-shelter roof. She kept coughing. It sounded as if she was about to cough up her guts.
Daddy pulled up Bill and Alexander. They were filthy, just like their mum said. Mummy helped Daddy pull up Mrs. Haskell.
We all stood together, holding hands; filthy and silent.
The lighter it got the worse it appeared. Almost every house on our side of the road was damaged. People were emerging from their shelters. First they shook the dust from their hair and brushed off their clothes, and then they stood in awe of what had happened. The smaller children began crying. The older boys and girls put their arms around them. The grownups began searching through the rubble in the hopes of finding their friends and neighbors.
I left Gina, standing with Dolly, by our shelter. I wanted to help too. I wandered down the back row, not too far. I could still see Mummy and Daddy when I found Mr. Elstone. He was lying very still at the bottom of his shelter. Brick and glass lay all around him. The roof from his shelter was nowhere to be seen. “Mr. Elstone, Mr. Elstone,” I shouted. He did not move. Perhaps he was scared of getting injured by the broken glass, I thought. “Mummy, Daddy,” I called out. “I’ve found Mr. Elstone. I think he’s hurt.”
Daddy rushed to me. We stood together looking down at Mr. Elstone. “Do you see that?” I pointed to a shard of glass poking out of Mr. Elstone’s side.
“Get the little uns out of here, Janet!”
Sorry it was so a little longer than a snippet...Anything you like? Dislike? (This is my first attempt at writing anything over about 7,000 words.) Suggestions? Advice?
Oh Sharon!!!
ReplyDeleteThis was really good! I was like - where's the rest of it - where'd it go???
I thought your brought the horror of "the Blitz" from the child's pov very powerfully here. I like that the emotions were kept very tight and under control making the whole scene unfold naturally for the reader.
The dialogue is spot on and the characterisations are fleshed out enough for me to care about Joyce and her family.
Well done you! Great stuff.
Thank you for a fab read. This is a great idea.
Take care
x
Your research really shows - well done! And what a cliffhanger ending, too. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat job, Sharon! I can't wait to read more of it!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLet's try this again.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great start here, Sharon. I'm going to give you some thoughts but I’m definitely no expert. Use any of my suggestions or none of them. Totally up to you.
I'd think you need to tighten. Keep the piece moving. It would be great if you could structure your opening so that the rhythm of the sentences and grafs mirrors the action (of the explosions etc.)
I'd also like to see you SHOW US the blitz instead of stating it in your first line. Put us in the middle of the action.
In my editing, the XX means to take out what is between them.
Overall, tighten, show don't tell and include those details that are relevant and keep the story moving forward. Good luck with this piece. I only did a few grafs to show you what I am talking about. Hope this helps.
XXThe air raid siren howled. It was September 7th, 1940 and the Blitz had begun.XX
“Hurry, hurry!” Mummy shouted. “Get out of bed, girls. Get to the shelter!”
Our shelter was in back of our council house. Daddy XXusXX dug a deep trench XX,XX in the back garden where we used to grow potatoesXX, and covered it with corrugated aluminium.
Question: Would a child know what corrugated aluminium was? Or would they describe it another way??? Not sure the age of your child.
The walls and floor were cold and damp and I hated going in it.
“I don’t want to go in there, Daddy,” Gina whined. “It’s full of creepy crawlies.”
XX “It-will-be-fineXX It’ll be fine,” Daddy’s face was drawn in tight. XXIn the distance weXX We could hear XXtheXX bombs whistle XXof the bombsXX and the thunderous XX sound ofXX explosions as they landed.
The sirens wailed.
“Down there, now!” roared Daddy.XX All the while the sirens continued to blast on and off. XX
WHRRRRR, whrrr, WHRRR, whrrr
Mummy slid down the dirt wall XXinto the shelter XXand I followed her XXleadXX. Gina XXwas clutching XXclutched Dolly and Daddy lowered her to Mummy. We got down on our knees, put our heads on our laps and XXput our hands overXX covered our ears with our hands. Gina began crying. Mummy pulled us XXbothXX close XXto her and sheXX and patted our backs.
What a frightening moment in anyone's life! Now I know why you asked how you write the sound of a siren!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!!
Kitty--I'm glad you liked it. I'm especially glad you wanted more. (I'm doing the happy dance right now...)I'm glad you cared about Joyce and her family. Thanks for taking time to read my longest post ever. I promise not post anything that long again. It didn't look as long in the preview box.
ReplyDeleteSusan--I'm glad you approve. No one has seen this until today...not even Katherine. I've never written anything that you have called a cliff hanger. (Big smile!)
ReplyDeleteAmy--Thanks...A chapter a day is my goal. You'll see more...I promise! Probably with a request for a critique. :-)
ReplyDeleteBuffy--Have I told you how much I adore you? Thank you for putting so much thought and energy into your comments. I truly appreciate them and definately see how your advice will improve my writing. Again, thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteKelly--Yep, this is why. I'm not sure if I hit it right. I went on to the BBC and found air raid sirens and listen to them. If I had mad computer skills my Whrrrs would be written a font size that is written like a wave. Does that make sense? Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteKelly--Yep, this is why. I went to the BBC online and found actual audio clips of air raid sirens. If I had mad computer skills the font on the siren sound would appear like a wave to reflect the sound going up and down like the sirens did. Thanks for sticking it out through my really long post. :-)
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. I felt like I was there, the loudness and the fear, I did feel it.
ReplyDeleteI think the pace could be sped up a bit and the sentences a little snappier, easy fixes... Great job - oh the ending was great too ;o)
Sharon, congratulations on going past 7,000 words. I know how hard it is to cross over to the not-so-comfort-zone, myself :). This is a wonderful subject (not the real happenings themselves, you understand) to choose to write about!
ReplyDeleteI have read quite a few adult novels (by Tom Clancy, Graham Greene etc.) set in England pre-, during, or post- war period, but no children's lit. I'll stick around to see what Joyce sees and how it affects her :). Good Luck!
Thanks for sharing! Now I'm motivated to do something similar on my blog from my finished manuscript -- maybe that's what I'll do for my next Monday's post : ).
Hey Sharon, had time to look at the rest of this quickly this morning. Again, good luck. Remember, what is between XXs gets deleted. Watch to be verbs, too. Again, good luck.
ReplyDelete“It’ll be all right, girls, it’ll be all right,” she said.
Daddy leapt into the shelter and covered us with the roof. XX dragged the corrugated aluminium over the opening above our heads.XX
KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM!
EEEAAWWW! EEEAAWWW!
We heard the explosions and sirens all night. XX The explosions and wailing sirens continued through the night. XX We peeked through the crack at the side of the roof. The sky changed from dark to light then back. XXWe could see, ever so slightly, around the sides of the roof that the sky was continually changing from dark to light and back.XX
As dawn broke, we heard the German bombers fly away. XX could hear the German bombers flying off.XX
The earth stopped shaking and the air raid siren blew on solid blast for two minutes. The air raid was overXX, Mr. Churchill told us (on the wireless) that would be the all clear signal.XX Mr. Churchill told us that would be the all-clear signal.
Daddy pushed the roof off. XXour make do roof out of the way.XX We XXallXX stood XXupXX and tried to rub the dirt off our legs. Gina XXbegan to coughXX coughed. A thick layer of dust turned XXmadeXX the air brown.
Daddy climbed out first. “Gimme a sec and I’ll clear the way.”
Question: would “give me a sec” have been part of the vocabulary back then? Is that the way one would have spoken? A Brit?
We heard a loud thud as Daddy threw something and it bounced across our back garden. “Pass Gina to me. Go slow. It’s a bloomin mess up ere.”
Mummy picked up Gina and Daddy pulled her out XXof the shelterXX.
“Stand right there, Luv, and don’t move,” XXDaddy said.XX “Joyce, you’re next!”
I climbed on top of an old wooden crate XXthat had been putXX in the corner of the shelter and Daddy helped me XXto getXX out.
“Jus' stand with Gina, Joyce. Let me ‘elp yur Mum.” Daddy took Mummy’s hands and pulled her out. XX of the shelter.XX I loved the way Daddy held Mummy’s hand. SHOW DON’T TELL HERE He held it gently, like a delicate Wedgewood tea cup. XXEven in all of this, I could see how gently he took it. It was like she was a delicate Wedgewood tea cup.XX
Gina and I stood frozen in the spot Daddy put us in. It was hard to see. The air was thick with smoke and dust.
Mrs. Haskell’s house was half gone. Did they make it to their shelter? I wondered. The half that was still standing was attached to our house. Amazingly enough, our house seemed to only have broken windows.
Mister and Mrs. Elstone’s house was completely gone. Stone, brick, metal, and dust mixed in with our neighbor’s possessions lay on what had been the streets and gardens around our house.
second part in next post
Daddy began to force his way through the rubble. “Come ‘elp me, Janet. I can ‘ear Mrs. Haskell an’ ‘er boys. They’re under all this rubbish.”
ReplyDelete“Girls,” Mummy said, “You mustn’t move from this spot.”
We both nodded. Gina squeezed my hand tightly.
Mummy navigated her way over to the Haskell’s air raid shelter.
“We can hear you, Mary. Are you and the boys alright? Wilfred and I’ll get you out,” Mummy called out.
“We’re bloody filthy and tired, but we’re alright.” Mrs. Haskell’s voice sounded muffled from under her make-do-shelter roof. She kept coughing. It sounded as if she was about to cough up her guts.
Daddy pulled up Bill and Alexander. They were filthy, just like their mum said. Mummy helped Daddy pull up Mrs. Haskell.
We all stood together, holding hands; filthy and silent.
The lighter it got the worse it appeared. Almost every house on our side of the road was damaged. People XXwere emergingXX emerged from their shelters. First they shook the dust from their hair and brushed off their clothes, and then they stood in awe
QUESTION: ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT WORD (AWE) TO USE. SEEMS LIKE ODD WORD CHOICE TO ME. WEREN’T THEY MORE LIKE HORRIFIED?
of what had happened. The smaller children XXbegan cryingXX cried . The older boys and girls put their arms around them. The grownups XXbegan searchingXX searched through the rubble XXin the hopes of finding theirXX for friends and neighbors.
I left Gina, standing with Dolly, by our shelter. I wanted to help, too. I wandered down the back row, not too far. I could still see Mummy and Daddy when I found Mr. Elstone. He was lying very still at the bottom of his shelter. Brick and glass lay all around him. The roof from his shelter was nowhere to be seen.
“Mr. Elstone, Mr. Elstone,” XXI shouted.XX
XXHe did not move.XX He didn’t move. Perhaps he was scared of getting injured by the broken glass, I thought.
“Mummy, Daddy,” XXI called out.XX “I’ve found Mr. Elstone. I think he’s hurt.” I THINK WE KNOW WHO IS SPEAKING, SO NO ATTRIBUTION NEEDED
Daddy rushed to me. We stood together looking down at Mr. Elstone. “Do you see that?”IS THIS HOW A CHILD WOULD HAVE SPOKEN? OR WOULD SHE HAVE SAID “LOOK, DADDY.” AND POINTED TO THE GLASS. MAKE SURE YOUR CONVERSATION IS AGE APPROPRIATE ETC. I pointed to a shard of glass poking out of Mr. Elstone’s side.
“Get the little uns out of here, Janet!”
Erica--I'm glad I was able to put you in the setting of the story. I had a hard time finding the "sounds" in a way I could spell them. I listened to quite a few audio clips in the process. Thanks for the tips! :-)
ReplyDeleteHema--I was so excited to see that you read Enid Blyton! Are you located in the States? I've read some of Enid's work because I'm originally from England. I look forward to reading a bit of your WIP soon. :)
Buffy--Thank you so much! I can see repetative problems in my writing based on the way you pointed things out in your edit suggestions. One thing I will do after I'm done with revisions is send it to my English relatives and have them look at the language. I'm trying to show a bit about the character of the father through his dialogue, he's a working class Londoner. The mother came from a different upbringing.
ReplyDeleteI'm always worried about not using "she saids" enough or using them too much. Thanks for all of the great advice. I appreciate all the work you put into helping me. THANK YOU! I hope that any of my readers that haven't been over to your blog will hop over. You are an amazing woman!
That was INTENSE! You are a master of tension. I really liked this piece!
ReplyDeleteSuzette--You are so sweet! Chapter one is so much better now! I got a lot of great advice on this post! I am so grateful to the writing blog world...it's great to know that my "virtual" friends are there to help. It's great that there seems to be no competition...Everyone seems to be willing to help each other. :)
ReplyDeleteEr, I think having swearing in it is probably not a good idea. Americans will probably go ballistic about that.
ReplyDeleteJo
Jo--I've only put the one swear word in so far. I thought it showed something about the charater. I'll take it out if an editor or agent says it will make the story better. But for right now, the dialogue helps me get into character. I think I'm more creative when I exit my real world and enter my characters' world.
ReplyDelete