Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 8

Title:The Destinies of Mirnth
        Book One: Prophecies
Genre: YA Fantasy

Long Ago…

I can hardly bear this.

Appearing before my Queen knowing she will instantly be unnerved by my presence.

In truth, I dread visiting at all, as her fear is justified -- many times over. I have come with
news, hard news for anyone to hear. It seems that is all I carry any longer.

As I step over the threshold of the queens hall, the vast space around me illuminates in soft
golden light. A warm entrance for any audience. I avert my eyes as she enters, where I see my
niece thrill at my rare visit. The pain that stabs me is crippling.


  1. A nice twist on a traditional beginning.

    Second line pulls the reader in. I want to know who this guy is and why is the Queen unnerved by his presence and yet his niece is overjoyed to see him. And why does he feel pain when he sees his niece.

    Inquiring minds want to know...........Good Hook! :)

  2. I get involved with the story, which is good, and yet, the “long ago…” part made me pondering what it’s referring to. You beginning would be stronger without it.

    I think you could tighten this up, it seems a little wordy.

    I like it and would continue reading… nice work.

  3. You've got me curious to see what horrible news the messenger brings. :) Small nitpick - I'm not sure if the Queen & the niece are the same person or not.

  4. The more times I read it, the more I decide I like this lol. The only thing is that I agree with Jemi--I thought the Queen and the niece were the same person at first, but now I'm not so sure.

  5. I love this one and want to read more. I did't think the Queen and the niece were the same person. For some reason, I thought the niece was younger than the main character. But I guess the Queen could be too. Okay, I want to read more to find out the answer to this. :D

    Great job!

  6. I think you can cut the I can hardly bare it, because you do such a good job showing the mc's anquish over visiting the Queen further down. I'm not sure if the Queen and the niece are the same, but somehow I think they ust be different because the Queen will be unnerved and the neice will be excited...You might want to clarify that last about the niece. I'm curious about what news the mc is bringing with him.

  7. Interesting opening. I agree with Sharon that you can get rid of "I can hardly bare it" because it detracts from the story and I can't see any purpose for it. This opening definitely makes me want to read more.

  8. Not sure I love the "Long Ago" beginning. I feel that this could be conveyed elsewhere in the piece. I do, however, really like the reversal of the traditional roles between the narrator and the Queen. That is interesting to me and makes me curious.

  9. I think the "long ago" can go and I agree with Sharon as well that the "I can barely bare it can go, too."

    I do like the tone of the writing. With a tweak here and there you'll have something wonderful.