Monday, March 21, 2011

Entry Number 31

Title:Co-Ed in Charge
Genre:Urban Fantasy

I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to be a monster either. I wasn’t getting a choice. As the fangs and claws tore into my body, I knew I was doomed. I would survive...probably. I knew what to expect...partially. But I didn’t see this coming. After all no one expects their life to end at 22.


“Representatives, ambassadors, council members; something has to change and soon, or we will all fall to the humans and their science. We cannot remain in hiding for much longer.”

It was a scary announcement coming from Princess Ceraphina. The tall, eerily beautiful, fairy sat on the far end of the room next to a large mirror with the rest of her kind.


  1. I like this - but there is a disconnect between the 2 parts. Is the first another chapter/prologue/page by itself?

  2. Just a typo - you don't need a comma after beautiful. And I'd also switch the two clauses "next to a large mirror" and "with the rest of her kind" to make it clearer.

    I'm also feeling that if the beginning is a prologue it's probably too short. Do you really need it? If you do end up taking it out, you should probably consider starting with something other than Princess Ceraphina's announcement in quotations, because it's always better to avoid dialogue in an opening line. (One of those rules of thumb that is broken quite regularly -- so take it or leave it!)

    Great entry and I hope these comments help. Good luck!


  3. I also agree that the beginning is way to brief and disconnected from the section following. I really am curious though about what's going on and the world they live in. I'd read on to find out.

  4. Confusing opener.

    Besides the obvious disconnect title Theo, (Who is that?) the description of the fangs and monster leads the reader to conjure up an image of a vampire, not a fairy.

    I'd consider starting with the fairy paragraph because as it it now it seems forced to introduce a high concept hook, but fails to deliver it.

    Of course, this is just my opinion and others may see it differently.

    Good luck!

  5. Jarring opening, which I think fits. Starting in media res is a good technique. I am guessing that the tag Theo refers to the central character of that section (as in Faulkner's As I Lay Dying). Good visceral action early on is a nice hook.

  6. I liked the first paragraph. It made me want to read on and find out what happens. So the disconnect with what came next was not only jarring, but disappointing.

    But maybe it connects back in the next few words?

    Best of luck with it!

  7. I'm a bit confused by the intro and the next section too. I like both parts but don't see how they connect. Maybe that shows up in the next 100 words (wink). Both "voices" are nice. :)

  8. Both parts stand alone great but I don't know how they fit well together. I wonder if you could make the first part a little longer? Also I read that numbers up to 100 should be spelled out and 100 and up are good just a numbers.
    Good luck and good job!