tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post7471269273433855123..comments2024-01-13T03:17:02.912-06:00Comments on S.K. Mayhew, Kid Lit Writer : Entry Number 6Sharon K. Mayhewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-30526047831456858622011-03-27T11:33:56.477-05:002011-03-27T11:33:56.477-05:00I too had a problem visualizing the mc's gende...I too had a problem visualizing the mc's gender, but I'm sure it is quickly revealed. It's hard to judge based on just an opening paragraph. All in all, I was intrigued and would like to know more about the mc and their father. Nice job!Stephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01513890163267239343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-26507536200028948902011-03-25T16:10:49.312-05:002011-03-25T16:10:49.312-05:00I love the attitude and snippet of backstory. But ...I love the attitude and snippet of backstory. But I almost would rather know more about our MC than the father. Maybe leave out the parentheses add-on and slip in some kind of contrast of the MC with the dad. Although I love the drama of the last line, so you'd want to keep that in there.<br /><br />Nice start!Susan Kaye Quinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07348197999397141067noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-77027773918276758502011-03-22T18:48:10.222-05:002011-03-22T18:48:10.222-05:00I really like the voice here and I'm very curi...I really like the voice here and I'm very curious about the MC and his relationship with his father. I like that his father is a writer. The only thing that took me out of the opening sentences was the sentence in parentheses. Maybe I'm just dense but I didn't get what that had to do with anything It just confused me.Melissa Sarnohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11215683401795724259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-75011751105522373512011-03-22T18:27:57.497-05:002011-03-22T18:27:57.497-05:00Nice opener. But like Stina and Jemi, I thought th...Nice opener. But like Stina and Jemi, I thought the sentences in the 2nd paragraph were too chunky that they passed as rambling. I would try to break them into more sentences to tighten it up.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-85676466876642282182011-03-22T17:16:05.823-05:002011-03-22T17:16:05.823-05:00First I'd like to apologize for cutting this p...First I'd like to apologize for cutting this post mid sentence! I didn't realize until I began to critique. So sorry!<br /><br />I would never call anything a slice of life to an agent or an editor. Call it contemporary ya or contemporary fiction. <br /><br />I felt the mc's contempt for his or her father. I'm hoping that he or she is really gifted and surpasses the father's career. :) I do think it is important to get the mc's name in their asap. I know a 100 words isn't many to work with, but that's why I chose that few... :-)Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-8625786392000362872011-03-22T06:54:54.703-05:002011-03-22T06:54:54.703-05:00This is an interesting start, and I like the voice...This is an interesting start, and I like the voice. But I agree with Jemi, you need to break things up a bit to give it more impact. That will save the long sentence from being rambling. <br /><br />Also, I would change the second sentence to: "It was my father’s favorite saying for a lot of reasons, both personal and professional." I stumbled over the way you had it, and had to read it a few times. That threw me out of the piece. <br /><br />Good luck!Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-72562971743660133742011-03-22T00:45:13.846-05:002011-03-22T00:45:13.846-05:00Yeah, that second sentence was killer long. I'...Yeah, that second sentence was killer long. I'd have a little look at breaking it up some 'cause I had to go back and read it a bunch of times.<br />One hundred words is a killer isn't it?Write Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11243460609179141414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-70910799287274914572011-03-21T17:39:03.204-05:002011-03-21T17:39:03.204-05:00I like the voice too. I found the sentence startin...I like the voice too. I found the sentence starting with In fact... a bit tough to follow - it's a bit long. You might have more impact with short, choppy sentences for the examples. Mabye??? I like it :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-41814604549273552732011-03-21T17:00:54.489-05:002011-03-21T17:00:54.489-05:00I like the voice, but I couldn’t visualize who was...I like the voice, but I couldn’t visualize who was speaking, boy or girl—and around what age he or she was. I realize it’s only the first 100 words. If you could set the character firm in our minds, it would help connect the work with him or her.<br /><br />I did like it, and I would continue reading.Jeff Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00667419764890599092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8449147139519589668.post-57727182730451575562011-03-21T14:08:00.469-05:002011-03-21T14:08:00.469-05:00I like how cheeky the voice is but be careful to n...I like how cheeky the voice is but be careful to not sound like a preachy adult. Good work--sounds interesting!Jackeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03351019926958000627noreply@blogger.com